Zone

Less stress with mindfulness

Feeling my mood trip

Cos I lost my coffee drip

Live life large

Start in a garage

Cos Steve did,

Bill did,

Walt did,

Let’s start that

Take a swing at that bat

Oh you my Trazedone

I don’t mind being with you alone

You give sleep hope and dreams

So that I can see my passion with ease

I missed you last night

I woke up with a crazy fright

I was fighting a shadow trying to get in my face so I hid low and started to pray

I won’t miss you tonight

You and me set me free

Can’t wait to sleep with you

Good night

Amazing Happenings

Everyday, something amazing always happens. Like today, I was reading my book while working and I received an email from VP. I was worried a little bit last night and then I threw it up to the Universe (God for me) and I found an email right away after lunch with detailed answers! I thought I annoyed him, but it was because people are just busy. I’m really excited to work there. I read the email and found that he is excited to see my existing company and my research skills. I do research a lot, and I mean everywhere by the use of google. When it comes to phone numbers, there’s a rather tipsy topsy turvey way of contacting people. I gotta’ tell you, today was a good day. I don’t mean to do a dear diary on you but that’s what I’m thinking right now because I’m waiting on my food. I don’t know if I’ll have the energy later on to write as it gets closer to bed time. I’m really excited about the time, too because I imagined it right close to when they were going to clock in and he VP said around 8:30am – 9:00am which they usually start coming in. You can also have an hour lunch break (unpaid) but you can take 30 min instead if you’re wanting to leave early. I don’t mind. As soon as I read the time to clock-in, I was like, YES!! That’s another amazing thing! Thank you for the email and thank you for the time clock-in! Company is amazing! It really boosted my esteem and happiness level up! There were more things on there, something about clean clothes and being very casual to work which is great. It’s definitely a techie environment and I’m loving it. There are 15 apps that I’m studying right now for this company and so far I’m on the 4^th and will do the rest tomorrow. It’s a little technical and it’s most probably because I’m tired. It’s pretty self-explanatory. I guess I don’t really have much to say right now. I’m just going to eat dinner, drink my juice drink, and wait for the boyfriend to visit me. Watch a little bit of tv, get ready for bed and then that’s it.. I have work tomorrow but at least I don’t have to come in till 10:00 am! Back to Company, I like the timing because if it means going home a little later, I’m totally fine with that because that’s nearer to the time my boyfriend comes in too. I won’t have to wait longer and or be bored. Either way, there’s a lot of money coming. It’s just coming naturally and MORE is coming in so when I have that stick of cig, I just place it on the very flat surface and send my thank yous.

 

So, I have this saying. STI- stick to it. I didn’t in my last company. It wasn’t a healthy environment anyway. I do love the people there though. Then, I have go with the flow and as I go along with studying the book, I’m learning to also use… ask, believe and receive. BELIEVE. I’m at the part where it tells you to FEEL. You can’t just think it, you gotta’ feel it and thoughts become things. So, watch out! I’m the next billionaire. No doubt. I have other sayings but I’m going to just say STI and go with the flow right now as well as the 3step thoughts. I did a lot of reading that’s for sure and I’m at the relationship part right now. OH THERE YOU GO. I am learning gratitude. The more you thank, the more it snowballs… so it’s sti, go with the flow, and always be thankful. Right now I’m working on my morning routine. I have a really hard time waking up in the morning and getting out of bed. With what I am learning, I will apply them but slowly. Most of them, I’ve done and now that I have a clock-in time of 8:30am – 9:00am, I’m going to have to practice waking up and sleeping early as well. I sleep 9 hours or 8 hours to make sure I’m healthy. It’s the perfect rest hour. Any less or more, than you’re groggy. Plus, I have wonderful mood. I’m also changing the way I write where it’s positive although instead of it being positive, not only is it positive but it has the tone of happiness.

 

So when I wake up in the morning, I start with gratitude. When there’s something I just can’t put my finger on, “what now?”, I say STI and GO WITH THE FLOW. Or, I do the 3step. That’s why I’m only studying my book now, and going slow, taking hella’ notes and then simplify them and apply them to my big life and also my life daily. That’s it. STI. GO WITH THE FLOW. GRATITUDE. 3STEP. There’s also prayer and visualizing at night. It seems a lot right now but I intend to have this as second nature. Most of these things I have done when I was sixteen but wasn’t aware that this was defined. Hence, the name sixteenth-theory. It was the happiest of times. There’s also health etc but this is what I have for now and I use the 3step a lot. It’s great. And since the sleep helps my mood greatly, I will continue to do so and it’ll be natural to FEEL the BE. So that’s what I’ve been learning about at work while substituting for the administrative assistant. Tomorrow I’m back at the site working with clients. I’ll have time to read but I’ll have to bring my own laptop blah blah blah then on Saturday I intend to get some books printed and I am going to print my one billion check! Yup! That’s right. That’s right.

 

Now that I have a full time job, I’m looking for a part-time job. I’m going to write a divided list both big and small goals or to-do so I don’t get bored. I will also be going back to school but one thing at a time now. Everything is going to happen. I have to work on my C, then some other paperwork and I’m working my courage up for that because I have strong emotions, a big heart and a lot of love… I’ll feel a heavy weight lifted off my shoulders. I want to make a vision mission board but I want to be secretive about that. It’s only between me and the universe (God for me). So, i’ll be creating it on photoshop, like a collage and then just put it on my phone so it’s just there every time I want to visualize. The book suggested it on print, but this way only I can see it. Same with my check, I’ll take a photo of it but it’s most definitely going under my pillow. I’ll feel it and see it everyday as a reminder that I’m receiving a billion dollars. I will be literally sleeping on a billion dollars. That’s not the only success. It’s not just that money. It begins from within and to me, I’m not only visualizing and receiving money, wealth… it’s about prosperity and it means BEING WELL ROUNDED. I nearly gave up on my dreams. I got a jolt of being jump-started by a spark of hope, love and faith- most importantly, at the bottom of it all, I know and believe this is the work of God. So, money is coming easily as we speak but I’m also about being well rounded in and out. I’ll write some more later.. it’s starting to come together but slowly so I’ll just read, take notes, summarize, 2^nd nature it, write my own terminologies. Goal: to be well-rounded in and out. 1 in. 2 out. Appearance. Tangible. Prosperity.

 

Signed,

 

16^th theory, no. 7

16^th Theory, No. 7

No. 7

There’s a lot of work to be done. Journaling is supposed to be therapeutic but I start off thinking off with high standards or think perfectionism that just beginning a journal again is just daunting. I’ve been journaling since I was 16. That was the best year of my life. I always promised and told myself that no matter what, I would do my best so that when I’m older, when I look back into my life, I would be proud of the achievements that I have made in high school. I wasn’t the smartest, but I was a damn good hard worker and now, at 32, I can nod my head and say how proud I was and am with the achievements I have made. Now, what happened? The next age that was the best for me was the year I got married. Though I missed my march on stage for my graduation, I was the happiest girl on earth because not only did I achieve a Bachelor’s degree, I was engaged and it was my Birthday. Everything rolled in like they fell into place as well. Now, I’m at a place where I don’t know where to begin. I have created some achievements as well but these are adult things that you don’t put on a resume and say, attained a car, attained a driver’s license, etc., but I think it’s worth writing them down here. I do hope I keep this up and make this routinely. I’m trying to recollect all the good things and all the tools that I used to be happy and successful. I know reading and writing are a couple of things that have saved my life and I’m trying it out again. There’s a lot of catching up to do and I’m going to have to save this online rather than on my computer. I love this laptop. It’s one of the best things that my husband has ever given me, apart from a very beautiful and expensive engagement ring. I still think about it from time to time how I love the ring, I was comfortable there, I was happy with him but I don’t know if my mania took over and at the same time I wasn’t happy so I took flee. Our sex life wasn’t doing well either and so that made me go astray. So I guess there’s really a lot to write about since this is really going to be a lifestyle that I’m going to incorporate writing again. I just hesitate a lot because what about the gaps in between? What is there really to write? There’s a lot, come to think of it because my dreams are slowly coming true and I have bigger dreams that I want to accomplish. It nearly died down until one sad night, one of my darkest nights, I decided to call a girlfriend and tell her of my situation as I was having doubts and problems with my boyfriend. We drifted in a different direction and though she didn’t say the cliché “think positive” she introduced me to reading books and it just so happens that the book that I am now studying, taking notes- though it is such an easy read—and it happens to be things that I used to do, or successful routines and actions that I did when I was 16 except at that time, I didn’t know there was a term for it. Back then, I would just picture things and think what are the things that bother me, let it go and move on or things that I wanted to happen. All I knew was that my mom always told me that when I want something bad enough, I put my mind to it and I get it. With these two in mind, the book mentions visualizing techniques and goes on to describe it except when I was reading it, I didn’t have to take it down. It just clicked that that was what I used to do. It had stopped when I hit college but that’s a story I’ll share later on. So, though it did describe it, it was clear to me that it was something I do and naturally do and very well at that. I naturally visualize everything. I’m naturally creative. It makes me happy and excites my life. Now that I’m stabilizing, I get bored easily but don’t want to waste time doing things that put you on autopilot. I watch movies, and tv shows but at the same time, I want to do something with my life. What’s next on my list. There are some that may “seem” unattainable but these will teach me patience and if I can do that, then I can do more. There’s a lot to observe since the change in medication. There’s a lot of stories under my belt. I just don’t know if I’m going to write a book or not. All I know is, I’m back to writing my thoughts on paper. I’m back to journaling like I did in high school, the best year of my life sixteen. I can’t remember everything but I’m going to create a life, routine and then figure out healthy ways, sleeping patterns, mood observations, bank account savings, etc. there’s going to be a lot to think about, visualize upon, and talk about. There’s a lot. Ever since I’ve been reading, it’s starting to come out on paper when just a few months ago, I was struggling, crying listening to Dash Berlin and praying so hard. I still pray. I believe in prayer. I’m Christian. Sometimes I think about the church, but then I think about how his family judges me and all the girls in that family gossip. I just can’t that kind of a toxic environment. I still do love my husband very much but at the same time I’m very happy that he has someone in his life as companionship. I hope I don’t write like: Dear Diary, today I did this and did this. The End.

No. It can’t be like that. I don’t know if I’m going to write everyday or skip a night. I really don’t know depending on the energy level as well. I am overwhelmed by all the resources and treasures that I have found in the past few weeks. So, I don’t really know where to begin but all I know is that I have to start with my health. I’m thinking of how to eat healthier, what else to do with my body to stay in shape, etc., but at the same time, I am in need of money to support myself. Thankfully, I am now employed. I accepted a job offer for an advertising company that is moving their headquarters to down town which is near to my home here. I’m really excited and I just hope that I don’t over-do it. I might have gone a little over board with my email with questions for my director which is also the vice president of the company, but I hope he takes it in a positive manner. He hasn’t responded back yet and tomorrow is Wednesday. It doesn’t matter. I’m now going to be working for them, but that tinge of thought is floating around my head. You want to make a good impression and I hope I did and didn’t ruin it on the email. I know that I’ll be researching properly to  make sure that my 90 days are memorable. By the time that day comes, they’re going to have promoted me already because that’s how creative and passionate I am. I am really grateful that they chose me out of all the people that applied and were interested in this job- most especially since it was advertized on craigslist. As you can see, I’m rambling on about it. So… honestly I don’t know where to start. Let me tell you a story about why I believe so much in faith, patience and visualization- in random order. Because everything started falling into place… Of course you pray, you meditate/visualize. This book helped me so much that I started researching about the other writers and come to find out that they are philosophers, visionaries, teachers, authors and even a master thinker. That’s what I want to be. I want to be a visionary or a masterthinker. That should be my portfolio name. So I’m just a little bit worried about vp not getting back to me. I just hope that I didn’t over-whelm him. He sounded really cool though so I mirrored back his personality. I will get over it eventually. *inhales* So I have all this debt, but not really and I think about my boyfriend and I can’t help but compete. Susan says it’s in my nature to compete because she saw it in me when I used to work from my former company. I don’t know where I get this kind of attitude but I embrace it because it’ll make me a better person when using this to a positive kind of motivation. I just have to becareful what I say around my boy because he tends to “copy” me like what a best girlfriend would do in high school and that’s one of the reasons why I never liked having a girlfriend back then because when I pointed something out and wanted to buy it, they’d go out and buy even before I got my hands on it. He’s doing the same thing here that’s why in my past post I told you that I was jealous of all the material things that he bought but it doesn’t bother me anymore. We found the root of it although I am still jeaolous of his car which doesn’t make sense of me to get jealous of his car when I don’t need one like that being that my apartments do not provide garages. New cars will get dinged up. It’s only a matter of time. But, I will still get a new car. I will. I’ll ask. I’ll believe. And, I will receive. That’s just one of the things that I’ve been learning that I can add to my sixteen-theory. I think that’s what I’ll call it because I’ll incorporate what I had naturally done to become happy and successful in life back then and then add on what I am learning today. Oh, the books I want to read. I want to read them and devour them right now but I’m disciplining myself to finish this book first. I’m done reading it per se as the documentary was on Netflix. So now I’m reading it, writing notes, going back to the summary and create a list of what I will be doing. I have to incorporate it in my life slowly. So today, it’s journalizing. There’s also being thankful for everything because whatever you thank for it, more good things will roll into your life. Then, there’s also visualizing but by the end of the day I’m already tired so I’ve been postponing although I am thankful for everything. Speaking of exhaustion… it’s already near ten at night. I now fall asleep with my laptop Netflix on. If I had a tv in my room—which I don’t since I moved it to the living room—then I would let that run but I don’t have cable. I just have internet. I’m saving up as you can see and only getting by just by the line of a thread. But that will all change soon enough. There are great things that are happening as I type and there are even greater, more miraculous things that are in my future. There’s just an overload in my head yet when I’m here, in the present, I don’t know what to do in the afternoon after I get off work. There’s a few hours in between work and seeing my boyfriend and I want it to be productive but there are other things that need to be done. I am thinking of writing a list of things like I already have on the fridge. Get a job, stick to it. Get a part-time job. Stick to it. Go back to school. Something like that but I need to do the bigger things like paperwork that adult people do. It’s not going to take money for now, but definitely time to be invested and of course, the paperwork. There are some things that I have to do this year that are huge for me and then there’s this ONE HUGE thing that I want to do. It’s a dream of mine that may need investing of course. I don’t know how, but it will happen because I asked the Universe (God), I threw it out there like a wish for the genie, I believe in it and I will receive it. For now, I have to keep working on the milestones as well so there’s a lot going on. For now, I’m glad that I’m working part-time which is getting me to pay all my bills. I don’t really have debt. The only debt I really have is the car and my apartment. The rest are necessities which are called: bills. But my aim is greater than this. It’s above and beyond so much that even buying two cars or more or having more than my boyfriend would be minute. It wouldn’t matter anymore. I’m going to make it happen. To take care of my mom, for example etc. There’s just a lot. And, it’s only Tuesday… I have work tomorrow. I appreciate work more now that I am not in data entry. That was really hard. Their program sucked. Their trainer sucked. The environment sucked but I think there was a greater purpose being taught there and it is so that I could be grateful for the things that God has given me. I remember it so clearly on Tuesday, lunch, drizzling and I was hanging out in my car when I checked my phone and there was an email saying that I got the job offer. I tossed my phone aside to the passenger’s seat and cried and kept thanking God over and over and over again because I am so grateful. That was the day, this is the month that I have been waiting for and even my boyfriend said that he had a feeling that I was going to get a job soon. I felt the same way. I don’t know if he has that natural ability to think, if it’s because he’s high… I don’ t know but I have that competitive streak in me to be successful. I don’t know how else to put it. I’m gla he said that but there’s also another situation but you already know and I won’t write about it right now. I think I’ll wrap it up and introduce you to what’s been going on in my life.

 

Right now, currently, I miss my husband. The situation behind that is that we are separatd and we both are in a committed relationship now. He has a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend. There were just so many things and I was unhappy, yet I miss him, too and I don’t know what the future holds for him and me and then there’s my boyfriend too. So I just do my best to work on my goals, my dreams and passions while at the same time, letting God do his work and letting things that are out of my control unfold. I do miss him though and I understand his church. I understand clearly and I’m okay with that, but a marriage can’t last long when you’re living under someone’s parents’ roof past the age of 30 whether it be in my mom’s house or his parents’ house. That’s #1 reason why I left. Our sex life was null. And, I was unhappy. I didn’t mind the church thing, only when I was told to go or they visit and remind me to go was when I made sure I didn’t go. It’s a thing from my past since my mom would tell me to do things, and I was goin to do them and being told what to do was harsh for me since I was told to do things all the time. There’s going to be a lot to unfold in this journal. My ptsd, ocd, writing about my past to clear all this out. I can do all things despite the trauma, but imagine what more when clearing it out? I will soar… above and beyond. I will. I’m not just saying that. It’s when I put my mind to it. So, there you go. I’ll have to put it somewhere so that I don’t have to keep repeating myself. It is unorthodox. Don’t judge. This is just a journal. I don’ t know why I’m posting it online apart from saving it in the cloud. I doubt anybody is reading this and it’s just nice to think someone is listening out there. These are one of the things that are important. Not just for the soul, the spirit… but for my brain. It releases anything and lets me think clearly. I’ll tell you more about this book and the story I have and that’s why I believe so much in positive thinking and faith. Back then, I just didn’t know that there was a term for it. I just pictured things and chose… CHOSE, DECIDED to choose do you want to be happy? Or no? You have that choice. That’s what I did when in high school. I think I will dedicate a journal entry on those theories and keep them somewhere so I can incorporate them clearly into my visions as a master thinker. You’re reading my journal but soon in the future, you are going to be reading a book by the next visionary and master thinker. Me. number 7. Beingkel.

 

It’s time to wind down. I’m getting excited knowing that I can write these things. So tomorrow, after work, after I do errands, phone calls, etc., I will sit down and write in my journal. Read, too. I want to read right now but I’ll just get excited when it’s time to wind down. Oh, I just hope that VP wasn’t annoyed. They are just busy. It is towards the end of the month now and I will be starting very soon. I’m excited. I should read their website tomorrow while there’s down time at work. Hm…

 

Here on out,

 

Visionary and masterthinker,

 

BeingKel. No. 7

(Sixteenth-theory)

STICK TO IT

So I’ve never really believed in New Year’s resolutions. It’s only 12 months. There’s short term goals and long term girls and if you’re going to make a resolution, depending on your goal, the new year’s resolution won’t last long. I don’t usually do them. I usually think and self-reflect during my Birthday and that is coming up. I’m going to be 33 and I’m pretty excited about it. There’s a lot of things that I need to work on and I’ve realized why they haven’t been effective. It’s because I haven’t stayed long enough in once place to actually be successful and I’ve realized that I’ve had fear of commitment and that’s a term used loosely. One time, about 10 years ago, I did some modeling. I nearly quit, but I had this attitude that I had to finish this because I’m not a quitter and recently, these past few years, I’ve been quitting things and part of it is because of my situation and part of it is because I haven’t been healthy and when I mean  healthy, I mean my brain. Like how can I ease my mind when my brain isn’t healthy? It starts with you but instead of choosing and then forgetting to persevere until success, we tend to forget and give up. If my brain is healthy, my mind will be that much stronger to attain all my dreams to come true. I’ve only discovered this after reading and understanding my feelings. The negative feelings I’ve been feeling when I’m triggered are painful and hard to deal with and I’m now learning the basics by asking myself if it’s my mood, my emotions, or hormones. Feelings are normal but the others come from the brain so if you’re healthy where you get sleep, food and whatever else we need to get healthy, it’s so much easier to conquer and be free. I don’t know to begin, to be honest with you because there is SO MUCH TO COVER. I’ve mastered the outside appearance when I put the effort since I was a model but inside is what needs working or rather, improving. And when I mean food for your health, you have to think of it differently. Instead of thinking it’s just a diet, think of it as something that you need for yourself and your brain to function and it’ll be easier to make decisions and it’ll refrain regrets. When I master this now, things will come easier. So I’m started right now and I’m excited about it because these books I’m purchasing are interesting so I’m not going to just drop them in the corner to collect dust. Whatever I’m going through right now is going to make me stronger. Again, I don’t know where to begin so I’m reading and taking notes. I picture them and apply them and since I know I may forget all these information, I gotta’ reread and retain it until it’s second nature. It’ll take some time. I’ll start now so later, I won’t have to start later. Right now, I’m reading a book and taking notes and then I’ll watch the movie again and take some notes. I add my own personal notes next to the quotes and picture how I can figure out my thoughts. I haven’t written my thoughts in so long… so this was pretty hard. I know that I want to be happy and when I change my thoughts, my presence of mind, my awareness is so much clearer. People who are addicted to working out think and obsess about what to put in their bodies for physical appearance and I too want to start working out again and work on my physical appearance but this time, it starts with the inside. So I just have to watch what I eat instead for my body (which it’ll still profit from it) but this time it’s for the  health of my brain. When I write it down this time instead of thinking of it as “mental health”, it’s easier for me to approach it. It’s almost like I’ve personalized the information that I’m absorbing and processing.

 

I gotta’ read this book first and take notes. Then there are more things I want to get under my belt and juggle but I gotta’ start with the foundation. That’s my health. In my personal life, I have to take one project one at a time and have a LOT OF PATIENCE. With what I’m going through, this is the first time I’ve truly learned what patience means. It’s waiting to wait to wait on waiting. And once you’ve waited to wait on waiting, you’ve only scratched the surface and learn that there’s another milestone of waiting. I want to master so many things but I’m just going to read, listen, watch, observe, and just learn.

STI means STICK TO IT. 

Never Quit

It’s easy to compare your life to another person’s life, most especially when you see everyone’s feed on Facebook. And I’ve come to wonder how they did it. I saw my former manager have a great house, the ideal boyfriend and they seem well off. Rich, or middle class- they’re definitely comfortable. And since I’ve grown from a wealthier background, I don’t settle for less either, but I’m at the point in my  life that I’m only getting by and that’s why it’s important for me to land this job that I’ll be calling for follow up tomorrow morning. I’ve come to realize, the reason why they have a comfortable living is because they worked for it. The grass is greener on the other side because they watered their grass. And since they started here, raised here, worked at an early age to get their foundation started and get established, they are able to become managers and live a comfortable life. They never quit and if they did, they landed a better opportunity before quitting their last job. Where I went wrong is that I am going to say that I’m accountable for quitting my job both because I was on the wrong mix of medication acting out with a nervous breakdown but beside all that, it was because I quit. These people, though I may be envious, I don’t “hate” on them, but it makes me question my life wondering when I’ll be established because right now, I’m in transition. I do hope that I get this job… even if it means being in a long distance relationship again. He does comfort me and says he loves me all the time, is in love with me and wants to be with me forever. That helps a lot after a round of OCD last week. Despite all of that, we had a great weekend. It was GREAT. Amazing. Whoo. So another lesson I have learned is if I want to be established, the next job I have, I will NEVER QUIT. Never ever quit. I understand now. I’m learning the intangible things that I haven’t practiced in so long. The last time I’ve really applied perseverance, patience, and never ever ever giving up was when I was in College… high school because I had a goal and knew there was another chapter. Now, I have to apply it in the darkness. I wish I had looked for a job first before quitting this job but, God willing, and with lots of prayer, I believe that I have a good chance for a job interview. Just let me land me the job interview. I’m qualified. And I’m a good person. So my comfort to myself is: though there are others that are ahead of me in life and they’re younger than me, doesn’t mean I can’t go through my journey and finally be out of transition and on my way to being established—independent. Just never, ever, ever quit. And when there’s free time, then I can work on my dreams. I’m also going to get another job, two jobs to support myself and to help out my family—my mom. Save up etc and pay back my boyfriend for helping me out. He’s actually doing a lot for a 26 year old. Gotta’ hand him that.

In conclusion: never quit. Never never never never never never never never EVER… quit.

I’m So Lonely

I’m torn between the city and the relationship. There is a win-win situation. If I move back to Seattle, the long distance relationship will be temporary until he moves up there in a year. If I don’t get the job in Seattle, I can move on and look for a job here and towards Spring time, my boyfriend will move in with me.

For the rest of limbo, I should just keep my mouth shut and if he’s not the guy that I want him to be, then let us just silently drift or let me silently drop off. And leave this all behind without regret.

 

Recap

I spoke with Susan today. I took a walk this time since she said that walking will help the anxiety. If you ask me what I’m feeling right now, I’m feeling “eh”. She did commend me that I’m now thinking realistically and making sure that my energy is focused on me instead of depending on others’ needs and wants. You see, I have this problem of staying in the moment because my brain gets bored because it wants and looks for something to stress about. So, now I’m training it not to do that. She concluded everything well. I’m now waiting for a phone call from the phone interview. If CP doesn’t call me soon, I’ll follow up on the 7^th of January. You know what I want to do right now? I want to walk but with this music in my head or go for a fun or something. I feel like taking a drive and blasting music, just driving everywhere and getting lost but I have to save up and make sure I can pay for my rent. I’m going to have to make sure that I get that job and I’ll wow the interviewer. Susan said to do my research now, prepare because she said she would be wrapped up with this positive opportunity around her. So I asked, “Now what?” Just research and look for jobs anyway. She says that if they’re a reputable company, then they will call and if not, then call for a follow up. That’s what I’m going to do but for now, I’m doing my best not to stress out so much and just to keep going. I wanted to work on some paperwork, work on other things but they’re irrelevant right now because I have to focus on getting a job and then focus on getting settled in. I’m not your typical independent person that can just do things without anxiety. You’re not like anyone. You have to take care of yourself and be healthy without stress and then only then you can follow through with the rest. With him, I’m so much in love with him. But there  are things that I don’t like, like his fucking smoking and the good news is he’s going to quit within five years. I know when we have arguments he wants to mention the divorce but if you’re not mentally ready, spiritually ready, and if there is a tiny doubt, then don’t do it because even if you do afterwards, it’s not going to resolve the situation in the present. So… I just give in to what he wants. You wanna’ smoke? Then go ahead. You think I’m being a good girlfriend but I’m just letting you do what you want and I’m moving to Seattle. I’m not giving up on this. There was this voice this one night I was crying on my way home and the voice said, “Kel, I promise you, I’ll get you out of here. I promise you that.” And a miracle happens where I see the perfect job that fits my job qualifications. Period. So for both of these two, if you don’t get a house, then I’m out. And with the other one, I’m just playing it by ear. I never thought of these things because I let go of those parties. I am just thinking of paying bills and making sure I have enough money to survive. I want to get back to Seattle and reconnect with my friends and be able to take care of myself. By sleeping, cooking healthy meals, taking my vitamins, taking care of my dog, keep going to work and just do this for a long while even if it means putting my dreams and other plans on hold. I’m willing to do this because I’ve realized and learned that I’m not you, I’m not like them and I have to crawl before I walk. Dash Berlin right now.

I’ve accepted it. And let go. There you go. Because there are better things to worry and fill my brain with- me.

I remember now… I am going to let them unfold. Que sera sera, what will be, will be.

2 Years Ago And I Still Hang On

Bubs,

I just want to say, wherever you are.. I hope you find it and find happiness..  I reallly miss you and love you and don’t ever think I didn’t.  I’ll keep this short because I’m feeling numb at the moment.. …… Anyway,  I continue to pray for you and always think of you.  It’s probably too late for us, but I hope you do come back so we can work things out… 

 Miss you and Love you always,

Duddy

Dear Duddy,

It’s getting near around that time. Wherever you are right now, just know I miss you all the time. I cry every night because I’m so lonely. I pray for you always. I keep you in my thoughts always. I don’t know what happiness is anymore. I left you when I was manic and now I’m trying to pick up the pieces in the dark and only God’s grace is what is getting me through. I’m so sorry I destroyed us. I’m sorry I let my illness break us apart. But I know that God wanted me to get help and I got help here. I have a doctor to take care of me. This letter is 2 years old, but I am only understanding what it says now. I’m so sorry. I know you’ve forgiven me already, but I will forever be sorry for what I’ve done. I hope that there’s hope for us, too, but in God’s timing. Just know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers. You’ve always been there for me, without hesitation and you always saved me from the crazy situations that I fell into. I miss you always, too. And it’s never too late. In God’s time.

I’m so sorry…

You said you will always love me and I will always love you. I will always forever.

Your bubby. I love you. Good night. God Bless You.

 

For Me, There Is No Christmas This Year

It’s me again. This time it’s nearly 1:00am. I spent my Friday night at my boyfriend’s house and I was for the most part in the present moment. After searching for jobs this afternoon, I felt productive. I did my laundry, washed my hair, showered, and more importantly looked for jobs that were of my qualifications. I really felt like today was a bad day and didn’t think I would find anything and I saw a tab I had saved on my window, clicked on it and saw a job I am interested in. I didn’t think it was recent so I applied either way and when I checked when it was posted, it was posted today. Surprise. Answered prayer. Miracles. Call it what you will but I am thankful either way. There were other jobs out there, some bounced back from their emails. I’m hoping some of them will bite. I really need a job soon. I was relaxed mid-month time but now that it’s the end of the month and the rent is due, car payments due, and car insurance is due, I’m feeling down and out. But, I just try to keep going… since I’ve already decided to give up on happiness, I can concentrate on getting healthy. What I mean about not going for my happiness is putting off going back to school for a graphic design degree or a masters degree. It’s gone now. I’m 32 and finally accepted that I’m old, going to work every day, doing the same shit every day, paying bills and then rinse, repeat. Enough about job searches and happiness.

 

Today was productive. I like that. I like how I was able to spend a lot of time with my boyfriend. Even that I have given up on. I used to always want him around or have him here and sleep over twice or three times a week but that’s not his thing, so I gave up. It lowers the chances of me wanting to be with him longer. I was pretty hypomanic I think when I was there because I kept cracking jokes or maybe I was just in a good mood because it was a productive day. I ate dinner and laughed hard at the dinner table while we were talking about ballerina dudes in their tights. His mom and sister went to see the Nutcracker last night and that’s how we got to talking about their nut sacks. We’re pretty random that way. I have a dirty mouth and I don’t give a fuck. After dinner, my boyfriend went into the living room to watch tv but I was feeling restless and wanting to do some productivity and I suggested going to the nearest store to buy something small so at least his sister has something to open. I really don’t have any money to spend but it’s the least I can do for all the times they’ve had me over for dinner. And so we went to Fred Meyers and also bought a board game. We got Life. We walked around a little bit and bought some wine, actually a lot of wine. We looked like we were out to have a fun time with all those bottles he bought and the one bottle I bought alongside the board game he bought. It wasn’t that crowded. I saw a magazine that said, “Kate and Tom Cruise caught sleeping together.” Like What the fuck? Who gives a fuck? Even the cashier was like, “I know right? When I saw that I was like ‘whuuuut’” random. I was still hypomanic when we left the store and when we arrived at his house, I went to find some stuff to wrap his sister’s gift and the board game as well. And that’s when my mom called from overseas. I really didn’t want to talk to her because I’m depressed as fuck, miserable, and just busy. But it was her Christmas/New Years call. We either talk before or after all the hustle and bustle to avoid dropped calls. So I finally answered my phone and we had a brief conversation how there is no Christmas this year. I said, “There is no Christmas for me this year.” I am grateful for the things and people that are in my life, but it doesn’t mean that I am not down and out about having no job to pay my bills. That’s hard on me. I’m realizing a lot of things and I need to stabilize before I even do anything else in my life anyway so age can’t be a due date anymore. It doesn’t apply to me because of my situation/life. My mom agreed it wasn’t a Christmas because we were far apart. And when I feel down, I just think of the good memories I had with my husband when he went and visited overseas with me. Yeah, I still think of him and our past. We had great memories when his huge family gatherings weren’t in the way or other obligations. He and I were tight, a team, best friends… so I just think about that and all the restlessness goes away. That’s why I had good sleep. No dreams. Just rest. While talking to my mom, I had her between my ear and shoulder, I was wrapping flawlessly the board game and then my bf’s sister’s gift. I started to calm down and wasn’t as restless. We caught up on our conversation. I thanked her for the phone call, I said take care, and I love you. I can’t remember much anymore because I’m tired now but I know I said all that I needed to say until the new years calms down. I did mention the good memories we had when we were there. She’s still anxious about how she wants to sell that house within three years. I forget why it’s taking so long- something about the buyers having issues with their payments or whatever. She’s thinking of renting it out instead and at least getting some income this way. By the time we were finished talking, the presents were wrapped and ready to be placed under the Christmas tree. I placed them under the tree, sat down on the couch next to my bf and I looked for things to watch with him that would ease the painful restlessness of misery in my head. It’s been a small tradition for me to watch HGTV’s white house special as to how they decorate the place up etc. Christmas cheer was definitely in the air, but don’t you ever think about those that don’t have their family together or the loved ones overseas? I was thankful that they acknowledged the soldiers and military families in the show. We watched a lot of shows and only shows that cracked me up. And now…. I’m here. Usually I would want my boyfriend here sleeping next to me or I wish he would want to do that but under the circumstances, it’s not ideal anyway. I have no cable. My apartment is empty. It’s cold. There aren’t many furniture. We’d just be hanging in bed all evening. And him sleeping over is just a band-aid over a bleeding wound. Now that it’s night time, there is no more thinking of job hunting, what’s next, payments to be made. The holidays are here… time to just NOT think about them for now but I will continue job searching even tomorrow, Saturday 22^nd of December. But now, I pray. It was a good day, a productive day. I love my boyfriend but not a day goes by that don’t think of my husband and the memories we had. I’ve given up on happiness and just now searching for a peace of mind. Whatever happens, I’m leaving it up to fate to decide what the future holds. I wish I could tell you more but I don’t need another person judging even if I don’t care. That’s less stress on me. All I know is, I miss my husband very much and the times we had with my family overseas. My boyfriend is wonderful, but he doesn’t sleep over and he’s young. I love him very much but I’ve given up on the things that I had hoped for with him and me so there are no more decisions to be made anymore. I just let things happen. I give up. If you don’t want to sleep over, then don’t. If you don’t want to move in together, then don’t. Eventually something’s gonna’ give either we move forward with things like that or we disseminate. Maybe at that age in the future, my husband will understand how important having a house and not living with parents is vital for a flourishing relationship. Both of these guys need their own place. All I know is, I’ve given up. Like I said, you don’t wanna’ sleep over? Move in? Fine. You don’t want to have a house? Fine. And since I’ve given up on looking for happiness and narrowed things down to just getting a job that I’ll stick with for 5 years and get healthy, then hopefully I will have or have earned a peace of mind. Now, I pray and think of all the good memories my husband and I had when it was Christmas and New Years overseas. It’s okay to reminisce. The rest will unravel itself on its own whether I move or stay whether I stay with my boyfriend or I try again with my husband, now is what matters. It’s now 1:15am and I hear the Christmas songs on my speakers, the heater whirring and my mind getting ready to sleep. My favorite part of the night is praying… I believe in the power of prayer.

Praying For Peace

My mood is just shot today. It was a very long day. Thoughts of Il Volo, Jersey Shore last episode, parking spot, no rent money, Christmas with no money to buy for people, just spinning in my head and then we have come to this, sitting on my bed, in this apartment that I can’t afford and thinking what tomorrow is going to be like. I have Christmas music playing in the background. That’s the only thing is okay in my head. Thoughts of driving home here from my boyfriend stews in my head, ice on my windshield, parking correctly, locked doors, making sure it’s locked, locked, locked, locked, thinking who texted my boyfriend, door locked, ocd high because my anxiety is high. Thoughts of working for a hotel back in the city, minimum pay is out of the question, people I have to respond to on Facebook, the sad look on my face while typing, I wonder if my neighbors can hear me again tonight, am I going to end up crying, I have to pray tonight, then there are played voices in my head, thoughts of Rules of Engagement show in my head where she quit her job and now has a lease for a cookie shop she never bothered pushing through, the tv show, Jersey Shore in my head with their bling shoes, the money they have, I’ll never be rich, will I be living my life like this, unrealistic thoughts of the future, realistic present hurts, I don’t know my future, thoughts of just, thinking, thinking, thinking all the fucking time. Maybe I shouldn’t have cut out on the clonazepam during the day. I should email Susan about that. God Rest Ye plays right now. The heater is whirring. My window closed. It must look nice in here from the cold outside. My thoughts, my empty heads, my boyfriend that I miss, I’m so lonely but I pray. There’s just all these fucking thoughts and they’re all stirred up in a pot. I cant concentrate. Then, there’s tomorrow. I have to do my laundry. I worry about the bills. I have to pick up Costco. Then gas is almost out. I should go Christmas shopping with a $10.00 budget. I don’t know if I can afford but I should. I don’t know how I feel about the phone interview. Will I find a good job here and – boyfriend just texted me. I have this lorazepam hits me soon. Then there’s Miles. There are things that I need not stress about right now and while I’m typing, I’m thinking again about Jersey Shore, how they’re rich off their craziness. Then I think about church, think about the outside. I just emailed Susan asking if I can get my klonopin back during the day since I think way too much. Today was a very long day for me. I only applied for one data entry job and it was the same one but it said that it was only posted today. I was irritable, too. It definitely ruined the mood to even look for jobs. I just woke up late, too. I tried to sleep in, but there’s only so many hours your body wants to sleep and then you’ll just wake up tired. I stayed in bed, thinking to myself that I’ll get up once my body needs to do something which it did. I peed and got some breakfast for my growling stomach. *sigh* I checked to see if the person emailed back to my thank you email but I guess not. I don’t know if I get to go for the next round. Honestly, that was my first time having such a torrid phone interview. I recall during the call that my answers were good and safe but the doubts would sink in but now, I don’t care. It’s a win-win situation: If I get it, then I move to the beautiful emerald city and if not, well I can get a job here and stay with my boyfriend and finish the lease and hopefully move in with him and save up. Those are the things I think of, I’m always thinking ahead, the future when I need not be and there is no need for it as I am unemployed and need to be in the present time but because I am diagnosed with this illness, it’s so hard. Being independent, is a question rather than a statement and I am always torn between the two thoughts that I have. Should I leave or should I stay. Should I go or should I stay. I’m calming down thanks to my relaxant and it’s 9:11pm. I think of my car again, my parking is okay, I’m within the lines. The saxophone plays in the background. I think of the outside apartment, how much I can’t pay for this since I’ll be paying for my car payments. I still have no job. It’s the fucking holidays so nobody is really going to be seriously giving interviews and calling. I don’t know if I can get a job. I’m really scared. I’m all cried out. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m feeling a little better and calming down. Tomorrow is another day. It’s really cold now. At least I’m not in that miserable job and I have stopped dreaming about them and now have slowly obsessed about this interview, hoping to get another one and even if I did, we’re not guaranteed a spot for the company so now I have to *sigh* I have to deal with that for the next few days in order to let go… and keep looking for jobs. That’s all I can do. I hate fearing the unknown because I’m already thinking beyond and ahead. My boyfriend is coming over tomorrow night and is sleeping over but that doesn’t really cheer me up. There are things that I am thankful for and need reminding but to be cheery in these times are really hard. It’s truly hard. I’m 32 now. What am I doing obsessing about everything including other people’s successes? They earned it. They earned it. But they had parents to back them up growing up. I didn’t have that. So now, I’m on my own. My mom told e to just hang tight and she promises that in two years she’s going to help me out but that’s her money. Not mine. We were rich once, and my husband thinks that we’re still rich, but I don’t know anymore. It’s hard to think about home when I’m thinking about being unemployed. I’m feeling much better now than when I started writing this. The ocd has slowly stopped and I’m wondering what I’m going to do after this.

 

It was a quiet evening in my boyfriend’s house. He cooked dinner and being that he’s Italian, he made some pasta and we ate some mozzarella cheeseballs, fresh. I learned a word or two today, something a band of stupid but in Italian. We had Big Bang Theory in the background while eating and then we just sat for a little bit of house hunting international where they were in Italy. The people looking for houses were dumb and I was getting irritable so we changed it and found Jersey Shore and it was live. They weren’t really going crazy anymore but it’s most probably because they want to end it clean. How could you possibly dream for a white Christmas and be happy with that when there are people spending Christmas alone, no job, … I got nothing. I have God. I have prayer. … It’s only 9:18pm. Today has gone by very slow for me. I tried to do productive things but half assed everything. I used to be this. I used to be that. How do I get back to that? Go back to that? I’m not earning any money. What am I doing? What am I doing with my life and will I be able to afford anything? Susan said she was once in my place and she said that I’m still young. What does that even mean. I used to be a go-getter. I used to be independent. I still am, but I used to be “go big or go home” but Susan would say “You’re vulnerable right now because you don’t have structure because you have no job. If you had soe structure, your self-esteem would be up and you wouldn’t be thinking about these things.” And she’s most probably right. I was supposed to do my laundry today. I half assed it and just pulled out only the clothes that really need washing, the ones that I use a lot, my pajamas. I’m trying to keep the bills as low as possible. What the fuck am I doing with my life? I’m so desperate. I’m feeling better from the relaxant. If I could smoke pot, I would but that’s just going to get in the way. I’ll just smoke, eat, smoke, eat.. sure the worries will be gone, FOR A WHILE, but until this shit gets resolved, nothing will put me at ease. I’m thinking of Petsmart when we bought my pup’s food. They were nice there and it reminded me of the city. But I’m in the shitburbs…

 

Tonight, I lay in bed. Tonight, I space out to shows on Netflix. Tonight, I pray. I pray for a better tomorrow, pray for comfort, strength, hope, faith, and love. Today has been a very long day and if I could sleep now, I would but I can’t because I slept in. Jersey Shore still in the back of my mind. Christmas music playing. Going to watch tv soon. Xbox outside. Cold room. Heater on in here. If I have nothing in my head, my brain looks for something to obsess about. I don’t like it. I just want to get through this. It’s too late for my dreams… remember, I gave up running for happiness. I am now just looking… for a peace of mind. I pray for peace.