There’s a lot of work to be done. Journaling is supposed to be therapeutic but I start off thinking off with high standards or think perfectionism that just beginning a journal again is just daunting. I’ve been journaling since I was 16. That was the best year of my life. I always promised and told myself that no matter what, I would do my best so that when I’m older, when I look back into my life, I would be proud of the achievements that I have made in high school. I wasn’t the smartest, but I was a damn good hard worker and now, at 32, I can nod my head and say how proud I was and am with the achievements I have made. Now, what happened? The next age that was the best for me was the year I got married. Though I missed my march on stage for my graduation, I was the happiest girl on earth because not only did I achieve a Bachelor’s degree, I was engaged and it was my Birthday. Everything rolled in like they fell into place as well. Now, I’m at a place where I don’t know where to begin. I have created some achievements as well but these are adult things that you don’t put on a resume and say, attained a car, attained a driver’s license, etc., but I think it’s worth writing them down here. I do hope I keep this up and make this routinely. I’m trying to recollect all the good things and all the tools that I used to be happy and successful. I know reading and writing are a couple of things that have saved my life and I’m trying it out again. There’s a lot of catching up to do and I’m going to have to save this online rather than on my computer. I love this laptop. It’s one of the best things that my husband has ever given me, apart from a very beautiful and expensive engagement ring. I still think about it from time to time how I love the ring, I was comfortable there, I was happy with him but I don’t know if my mania took over and at the same time I wasn’t happy so I took flee. Our sex life wasn’t doing well either and so that made me go astray. So I guess there’s really a lot to write about since this is really going to be a lifestyle that I’m going to incorporate writing again. I just hesitate a lot because what about the gaps in between? What is there really to write? There’s a lot, come to think of it because my dreams are slowly coming true and I have bigger dreams that I want to accomplish. It nearly died down until one sad night, one of my darkest nights, I decided to call a girlfriend and tell her of my situation as I was having doubts and problems with my boyfriend. We drifted in a different direction and though she didn’t say the cliché “think positive” she introduced me to reading books and it just so happens that the book that I am now studying, taking notes- though it is such an easy read—and it happens to be things that I used to do, or successful routines and actions that I did when I was 16 except at that time, I didn’t know there was a term for it. Back then, I would just picture things and think what are the things that bother me, let it go and move on or things that I wanted to happen. All I knew was that my mom always told me that when I want something bad enough, I put my mind to it and I get it. With these two in mind, the book mentions visualizing techniques and goes on to describe it except when I was reading it, I didn’t have to take it down. It just clicked that that was what I used to do. It had stopped when I hit college but that’s a story I’ll share later on. So, though it did describe it, it was clear to me that it was something I do and naturally do and very well at that. I naturally visualize everything. I’m naturally creative. It makes me happy and excites my life. Now that I’m stabilizing, I get bored easily but don’t want to waste time doing things that put you on autopilot. I watch movies, and tv shows but at the same time, I want to do something with my life. What’s next on my list. There are some that may “seem” unattainable but these will teach me patience and if I can do that, then I can do more. There’s a lot to observe since the change in medication. There’s a lot of stories under my belt. I just don’t know if I’m going to write a book or not. All I know is, I’m back to writing my thoughts on paper. I’m back to journaling like I did in high school, the best year of my life sixteen. I can’t remember everything but I’m going to create a life, routine and then figure out healthy ways, sleeping patterns, mood observations, bank account savings, etc. there’s going to be a lot to think about, visualize upon, and talk about. There’s a lot. Ever since I’ve been reading, it’s starting to come out on paper when just a few months ago, I was struggling, crying listening to Dash Berlin and praying so hard. I still pray. I believe in prayer. I’m Christian. Sometimes I think about the church, but then I think about how his family judges me and all the girls in that family gossip. I just can’t that kind of a toxic environment. I still do love my husband very much but at the same time I’m very happy that he has someone in his life as companionship. I hope I don’t write like: Dear Diary, today I did this and did this. The End.
No. It can’t be like that. I don’t know if I’m going to write everyday or skip a night. I really don’t know depending on the energy level as well. I am overwhelmed by all the resources and treasures that I have found in the past few weeks. So, I don’t really know where to begin but all I know is that I have to start with my health. I’m thinking of how to eat healthier, what else to do with my body to stay in shape, etc., but at the same time, I am in need of money to support myself. Thankfully, I am now employed. I accepted a job offer for an advertising company that is moving their headquarters to down town which is near to my home here. I’m really excited and I just hope that I don’t over-do it. I might have gone a little over board with my email with questions for my director which is also the vice president of the company, but I hope he takes it in a positive manner. He hasn’t responded back yet and tomorrow is Wednesday. It doesn’t matter. I’m now going to be working for them, but that tinge of thought is floating around my head. You want to make a good impression and I hope I did and didn’t ruin it on the email. I know that I’ll be researching properly to make sure that my 90 days are memorable. By the time that day comes, they’re going to have promoted me already because that’s how creative and passionate I am. I am really grateful that they chose me out of all the people that applied and were interested in this job- most especially since it was advertized on craigslist. As you can see, I’m rambling on about it. So… honestly I don’t know where to start. Let me tell you a story about why I believe so much in faith, patience and visualization- in random order. Because everything started falling into place… Of course you pray, you meditate/visualize. This book helped me so much that I started researching about the other writers and come to find out that they are philosophers, visionaries, teachers, authors and even a master thinker. That’s what I want to be. I want to be a visionary or a masterthinker. That should be my portfolio name. So I’m just a little bit worried about vp not getting back to me. I just hope that I didn’t over-whelm him. He sounded really cool though so I mirrored back his personality. I will get over it eventually. *inhales* So I have all this debt, but not really and I think about my boyfriend and I can’t help but compete. Susan says it’s in my nature to compete because she saw it in me when I used to work from my former company. I don’t know where I get this kind of attitude but I embrace it because it’ll make me a better person when using this to a positive kind of motivation. I just have to becareful what I say around my boy because he tends to “copy” me like what a best girlfriend would do in high school and that’s one of the reasons why I never liked having a girlfriend back then because when I pointed something out and wanted to buy it, they’d go out and buy even before I got my hands on it. He’s doing the same thing here that’s why in my past post I told you that I was jealous of all the material things that he bought but it doesn’t bother me anymore. We found the root of it although I am still jeaolous of his car which doesn’t make sense of me to get jealous of his car when I don’t need one like that being that my apartments do not provide garages. New cars will get dinged up. It’s only a matter of time. But, I will still get a new car. I will. I’ll ask. I’ll believe. And, I will receive. That’s just one of the things that I’ve been learning that I can add to my sixteen-theory. I think that’s what I’ll call it because I’ll incorporate what I had naturally done to become happy and successful in life back then and then add on what I am learning today. Oh, the books I want to read. I want to read them and devour them right now but I’m disciplining myself to finish this book first. I’m done reading it per se as the documentary was on Netflix. So now I’m reading it, writing notes, going back to the summary and create a list of what I will be doing. I have to incorporate it in my life slowly. So today, it’s journalizing. There’s also being thankful for everything because whatever you thank for it, more good things will roll into your life. Then, there’s also visualizing but by the end of the day I’m already tired so I’ve been postponing although I am thankful for everything. Speaking of exhaustion… it’s already near ten at night. I now fall asleep with my laptop Netflix on. If I had a tv in my room—which I don’t since I moved it to the living room—then I would let that run but I don’t have cable. I just have internet. I’m saving up as you can see and only getting by just by the line of a thread. But that will all change soon enough. There are great things that are happening as I type and there are even greater, more miraculous things that are in my future. There’s just an overload in my head yet when I’m here, in the present, I don’t know what to do in the afternoon after I get off work. There’s a few hours in between work and seeing my boyfriend and I want it to be productive but there are other things that need to be done. I am thinking of writing a list of things like I already have on the fridge. Get a job, stick to it. Get a part-time job. Stick to it. Go back to school. Something like that but I need to do the bigger things like paperwork that adult people do. It’s not going to take money for now, but definitely time to be invested and of course, the paperwork. There are some things that I have to do this year that are huge for me and then there’s this ONE HUGE thing that I want to do. It’s a dream of mine that may need investing of course. I don’t know how, but it will happen because I asked the Universe (God), I threw it out there like a wish for the genie, I believe in it and I will receive it. For now, I have to keep working on the milestones as well so there’s a lot going on. For now, I’m glad that I’m working part-time which is getting me to pay all my bills. I don’t really have debt. The only debt I really have is the car and my apartment. The rest are necessities which are called: bills. But my aim is greater than this. It’s above and beyond so much that even buying two cars or more or having more than my boyfriend would be minute. It wouldn’t matter anymore. I’m going to make it happen. To take care of my mom, for example etc. There’s just a lot. And, it’s only Tuesday… I have work tomorrow. I appreciate work more now that I am not in data entry. That was really hard. Their program sucked. Their trainer sucked. The environment sucked but I think there was a greater purpose being taught there and it is so that I could be grateful for the things that God has given me. I remember it so clearly on Tuesday, lunch, drizzling and I was hanging out in my car when I checked my phone and there was an email saying that I got the job offer. I tossed my phone aside to the passenger’s seat and cried and kept thanking God over and over and over again because I am so grateful. That was the day, this is the month that I have been waiting for and even my boyfriend said that he had a feeling that I was going to get a job soon. I felt the same way. I don’t know if he has that natural ability to think, if it’s because he’s high… I don’ t know but I have that competitive streak in me to be successful. I don’t know how else to put it. I’m gla he said that but there’s also another situation but you already know and I won’t write about it right now. I think I’ll wrap it up and introduce you to what’s been going on in my life.
Right now, currently, I miss my husband. The situation behind that is that we are separatd and we both are in a committed relationship now. He has a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend. There were just so many things and I was unhappy, yet I miss him, too and I don’t know what the future holds for him and me and then there’s my boyfriend too. So I just do my best to work on my goals, my dreams and passions while at the same time, letting God do his work and letting things that are out of my control unfold. I do miss him though and I understand his church. I understand clearly and I’m okay with that, but a marriage can’t last long when you’re living under someone’s parents’ roof past the age of 30 whether it be in my mom’s house or his parents’ house. That’s #1 reason why I left. Our sex life was null. And, I was unhappy. I didn’t mind the church thing, only when I was told to go or they visit and remind me to go was when I made sure I didn’t go. It’s a thing from my past since my mom would tell me to do things, and I was goin to do them and being told what to do was harsh for me since I was told to do things all the time. There’s going to be a lot to unfold in this journal. My ptsd, ocd, writing about my past to clear all this out. I can do all things despite the trauma, but imagine what more when clearing it out? I will soar… above and beyond. I will. I’m not just saying that. It’s when I put my mind to it. So, there you go. I’ll have to put it somewhere so that I don’t have to keep repeating myself. It is unorthodox. Don’t judge. This is just a journal. I don’ t know why I’m posting it online apart from saving it in the cloud. I doubt anybody is reading this and it’s just nice to think someone is listening out there. These are one of the things that are important. Not just for the soul, the spirit… but for my brain. It releases anything and lets me think clearly. I’ll tell you more about this book and the story I have and that’s why I believe so much in positive thinking and faith. Back then, I just didn’t know that there was a term for it. I just pictured things and chose… CHOSE, DECIDED to choose do you want to be happy? Or no? You have that choice. That’s what I did when in high school. I think I will dedicate a journal entry on those theories and keep them somewhere so I can incorporate them clearly into my visions as a master thinker. You’re reading my journal but soon in the future, you are going to be reading a book by the next visionary and master thinker. Me. number 7. Beingkel.
It’s time to wind down. I’m getting excited knowing that I can write these things. So tomorrow, after work, after I do errands, phone calls, etc., I will sit down and write in my journal. Read, too. I want to read right now but I’ll just get excited when it’s time to wind down. Oh, I just hope that VP wasn’t annoyed. They are just busy. It is towards the end of the month now and I will be starting very soon. I’m excited. I should read their website tomorrow while there’s down time at work. Hm…
Here on out,
Visionary and masterthinker,
BeingKel. No. 7