For Me, There Is No Christmas This Year

It’s me again. This time it’s nearly 1:00am. I spent my Friday night at my boyfriend’s house and I was for the most part in the present moment. After searching for jobs this afternoon, I felt productive. I did my laundry, washed my hair, showered, and more importantly looked for jobs that were of my qualifications. I really felt like today was a bad day and didn’t think I would find anything and I saw a tab I had saved on my window, clicked on it and saw a job I am interested in. I didn’t think it was recent so I applied either way and when I checked when it was posted, it was posted today. Surprise. Answered prayer. Miracles. Call it what you will but I am thankful either way. There were other jobs out there, some bounced back from their emails. I’m hoping some of them will bite. I really need a job soon. I was relaxed mid-month time but now that it’s the end of the month and the rent is due, car payments due, and car insurance is due, I’m feeling down and out. But, I just try to keep going… since I’ve already decided to give up on happiness, I can concentrate on getting healthy. What I mean about not going for my happiness is putting off going back to school for a graphic design degree or a masters degree. It’s gone now. I’m 32 and finally accepted that I’m old, going to work every day, doing the same shit every day, paying bills and then rinse, repeat. Enough about job searches and happiness.

 

Today was productive. I like that. I like how I was able to spend a lot of time with my boyfriend. Even that I have given up on. I used to always want him around or have him here and sleep over twice or three times a week but that’s not his thing, so I gave up. It lowers the chances of me wanting to be with him longer. I was pretty hypomanic I think when I was there because I kept cracking jokes or maybe I was just in a good mood because it was a productive day. I ate dinner and laughed hard at the dinner table while we were talking about ballerina dudes in their tights. His mom and sister went to see the Nutcracker last night and that’s how we got to talking about their nut sacks. We’re pretty random that way. I have a dirty mouth and I don’t give a fuck. After dinner, my boyfriend went into the living room to watch tv but I was feeling restless and wanting to do some productivity and I suggested going to the nearest store to buy something small so at least his sister has something to open. I really don’t have any money to spend but it’s the least I can do for all the times they’ve had me over for dinner. And so we went to Fred Meyers and also bought a board game. We got Life. We walked around a little bit and bought some wine, actually a lot of wine. We looked like we were out to have a fun time with all those bottles he bought and the one bottle I bought alongside the board game he bought. It wasn’t that crowded. I saw a magazine that said, “Kate and Tom Cruise caught sleeping together.” Like What the fuck? Who gives a fuck? Even the cashier was like, “I know right? When I saw that I was like ‘whuuuut’” random. I was still hypomanic when we left the store and when we arrived at his house, I went to find some stuff to wrap his sister’s gift and the board game as well. And that’s when my mom called from overseas. I really didn’t want to talk to her because I’m depressed as fuck, miserable, and just busy. But it was her Christmas/New Years call. We either talk before or after all the hustle and bustle to avoid dropped calls. So I finally answered my phone and we had a brief conversation how there is no Christmas this year. I said, “There is no Christmas for me this year.” I am grateful for the things and people that are in my life, but it doesn’t mean that I am not down and out about having no job to pay my bills. That’s hard on me. I’m realizing a lot of things and I need to stabilize before I even do anything else in my life anyway so age can’t be a due date anymore. It doesn’t apply to me because of my situation/life. My mom agreed it wasn’t a Christmas because we were far apart. And when I feel down, I just think of the good memories I had with my husband when he went and visited overseas with me. Yeah, I still think of him and our past. We had great memories when his huge family gatherings weren’t in the way or other obligations. He and I were tight, a team, best friends… so I just think about that and all the restlessness goes away. That’s why I had good sleep. No dreams. Just rest. While talking to my mom, I had her between my ear and shoulder, I was wrapping flawlessly the board game and then my bf’s sister’s gift. I started to calm down and wasn’t as restless. We caught up on our conversation. I thanked her for the phone call, I said take care, and I love you. I can’t remember much anymore because I’m tired now but I know I said all that I needed to say until the new years calms down. I did mention the good memories we had when we were there. She’s still anxious about how she wants to sell that house within three years. I forget why it’s taking so long- something about the buyers having issues with their payments or whatever. She’s thinking of renting it out instead and at least getting some income this way. By the time we were finished talking, the presents were wrapped and ready to be placed under the Christmas tree. I placed them under the tree, sat down on the couch next to my bf and I looked for things to watch with him that would ease the painful restlessness of misery in my head. It’s been a small tradition for me to watch HGTV’s white house special as to how they decorate the place up etc. Christmas cheer was definitely in the air, but don’t you ever think about those that don’t have their family together or the loved ones overseas? I was thankful that they acknowledged the soldiers and military families in the show. We watched a lot of shows and only shows that cracked me up. And now…. I’m here. Usually I would want my boyfriend here sleeping next to me or I wish he would want to do that but under the circumstances, it’s not ideal anyway. I have no cable. My apartment is empty. It’s cold. There aren’t many furniture. We’d just be hanging in bed all evening. And him sleeping over is just a band-aid over a bleeding wound. Now that it’s night time, there is no more thinking of job hunting, what’s next, payments to be made. The holidays are here… time to just NOT think about them for now but I will continue job searching even tomorrow, Saturday 22nd of December. But now, I pray. It was a good day, a productive day. I love my boyfriend but not a day goes by that don’t think of my husband and the memories we had. I’ve given up on happiness and just now searching for a peace of mind. Whatever happens, I’m leaving it up to fate to decide what the future holds. I wish I could tell you more but I don’t need another person judging even if I don’t care. That’s less stress on me. All I know is, I miss my husband very much and the times we had with my family overseas. My boyfriend is wonderful, but he doesn’t sleep over and he’s young. I love him very much but I’ve given up on the things that I had hoped for with him and me so there are no more decisions to be made anymore. I just let things happen. I give up. If you don’t want to sleep over, then don’t. If you don’t want to move in together, then don’t. Eventually something’s gonna’ give either we move forward with things like that or we disseminate. Maybe at that age in the future, my husband will understand how important having a house and not living with parents is vital for a flourishing relationship. Both of these guys need their own place. All I know is, I’ve given up. Like I said, you don’t wanna’ sleep over? Move in? Fine. You don’t want to have a house? Fine. And since I’ve given up on looking for happiness and narrowed things down to just getting a job that I’ll stick with for 5 years and get healthy, then hopefully I will have or have earned a peace of mind. Now, I pray and think of all the good memories my husband and I had when it was Christmas and New Years overseas. It’s okay to reminisce. The rest will unravel itself on its own whether I move or stay whether I stay with my boyfriend or I try again with my husband, now is what matters. It’s now 1:15am and I hear the Christmas songs on my speakers, the heater whirring and my mind getting ready to sleep. My favorite part of the night is praying… I believe in the power of prayer.

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