Goal: A Peace Of Mind
Every day is different. I’m listening to Dash Berlin. Fucking emotional as hell and love it. I just got home, same old shit as last night except today, my mood has been elevated because of the phone interview. I think it went well. After I hung up the phone, it was a little awkward and my gut feeling was, I think I’m in. Then questions started to arise because she didn’t give me a date for a face-to-face interview. She said she has to screen some more people but she will give me a call early next week or the next week after that. That seems shady to me even though the interview went well. Initially when I first started this application, I didn’t think they would even consider me because it was a long shot being that I live in the shitburbs and it was all the way up in Seattle. And I got excited about it and then I stopped and thought about it some more and don’t want to move there because I will miss my boyfriend but he’s sweet enough to do the long distance relationship thing and he said it’s only two hours away, but still. Dash Berlin is so emotional. Okay, my mind is racing again. I tell you what I feel right now. I’m bitter. Yes. I’m bitter because the gut feeling is telling me that I have a good feeling about it and then after a while, my gut went the other direction thinking that I might have set myself up for disaster at the end but I keep comforting myself that I did write a thank you note for the phone interview. I’m just hung up on, will she call? It seems really shady. So now I’m doing the whole fucking waiting game just like I did for my former employer except they really did a great job giving me false hope. So for this one, I’ll have to treat it the same way because I can’t let my heart break anymore. I’ve had enough of it. I work so fucking hard, and all this crying and hoping is just hurting me more. …Let the rain clouds come… I think I’m going to paint tomorrow while listening to music. That’s all I’m going to do tomorrow. I’ll just fucking paint all fucking day and listen to Dash Berlin. I don’t know. The interview was long, tedious… and I’m angry right now because I’m stressing over if they’re going to call or not because they did not put a set date. And should I call them two weeks from now? She did say that there’s another batch coming in but we’re going to screen some more right now and she said, “We’ll see where it goes from there.” She was just trying to figure out how to get me up to Seattle. I told her I would drive and that’s when she said, okay, you will hear from me. Well, I was already spacing out so I don’t know word for word. Now, because I have OCD, I’m fucked again. I’ll be mind fucking myself in the ass over and over and over again for the next two weeks thinking if she’s going to call, did I get the interview and then after that, do I move or do I stay? So for the next two weeks, though I wish I could bank on it, I’ll have to keep applying for jobs but this JOB? This job that I just had an interview for? It’s the most perfect job FOR ME. I fit its qualifications and I fucking hope that my answers don’t hinder their decision for that because I did my best. But then again, if they don’t pick me, then I’ll just have to fucking move on fast. FAST. Block all that shit out and move on. But I tell you, it’s the job for me. Before the interview I was stressing out and had an anxiety attack so I had to take some muscle relaxants to calm me down and I actually enjoyed the interview. It made me feel like I was in Seattle again and I got hyped up to go back home. So now I want to go there regardless if my boyfriend is here or not. Like I said, I’m done caring if it’s him or the other or when or what. I’m done. I’m just done. Even though I said I gave up on happiness, look at me, I’m still trying to figure out a way to find happiness. It’s not my choice. I don’t care about happiness. It’s a peace of mind. I will never rest. I am restless. And that is why I am the way I am because when I was a kid, I never had peace. Peace was never born in me because my mom tore it away from me. She showed me comfort for one second, of what I can remember and the rest was gone. She had the best intentions but she kept leaving me and coming back and promising me we will be together very soon and she’ll never leave me ever again. And now, at fucking 32, when are you going to call? Will you really call for an interview? I have PTSD you know. MaryJane would be nice but I have better shit than that. The past week, I have been crying, sobbing at night. I don’t know if my neighbors can hear it, and I really hope they can’t. It’s embarrassing but I can’t help it. I wasn’t really like this before because I lived with my husband so I had that companionship and company every night but even then, we were already having issues and I was really lonely. That’s why I write. That’s why I’m always online. Before I met my husband, I was alone throughout College. The first 2 years, I was with my boyfriend and we practically were living together. It was perfect until I fucked it up. My brain, my illness, it’s a curse. It hurts. It’s unfair and yet I fight and sometimes, I don’t know WHY I’m fucking fighting so hard! Why? Forget happiness. I want a peace of mind. That’s my goal now. At 32. After he and I were done, I had another year all to myself but I was still manic so being alone was covering the loneliness and the longing for companionship. I was 22. I wanted to start dating different guys and see what that was like but then an angel swooped me up and swooped up my life. My husband did. It’s a long story for another sob day. We’ll see how long I’ll be typing tonight. I have a lot on my mind and if I start fucking crying, I’m going to pop klonopin coz it’s exhausting me. I’m so tired in the morning. Keep on chasing demons… then let me in… *piano*… disarm yourself… release the fear… disarm yourself…. And hold me near… and i.. My point? I did have a low point in my life. It was when my boyfriend and I broke up because of my mania. I had no clue what I was doing but I just kept doing it. I was going through the motion and the high just made me go higher. When he left me, I was suicidal, you know how it is. Chemical imbalance in the brain causes that shit. If you’re in your right mind, no matter how sad you are, you wouldn’t dare cut yourself or kill yourself. You just need the right meds. But I wasn’t at that time. I wasn’t diagnosed. I sat on the floor listening to Stevie Wonder’s songs that he bought me on a cd and I just kept crying and hoping and praying. I used to pray every single night and I would light a candle and pray. I even went to church and never missed a day because I prayed for Christmas to have him back. I’m not giving up. I’m not giving up on us. I said I’m not giving up. I’m not giving up on love. Yup, I’m pumped up right now. This music is getting me all pumped up. And it’s nearly ten in the evening. You know what I’m going to do after this? Cry. Who knows. I’m going to pray and I pray sincerely and truthfully and then there is that confusion of this “thing” where my thoughts run through and I think of my husband and the church but it’s his family that stops me from trying to go back. Plus, even if I did, I don’t think it’s the right time. I’m not ready yet. Is for you to see… the side I don’t show that anyone… alone and incomplete…. No more tears to cry, no more blood to bleed… I fall forever… when you should be the ground beneath my feet…So, that’s another mind fucking obsessive thought for you. I’m tired of this shit. Him or him if not then him or him. Ayoko na! Whatever. Que Sera Sera. I’m just gonna’ listen to Dash Berlin and fucking vape… that’s what got me to stop smoking. It helps. I don’t even need it right now but I feel pumped up right now. I feel very awake, very awake… I guess this blog is just about emotions. I can’t stop thinking about the job interview. It was tedious and even though it was thirty minutes, it was a fast blur and I had more to say but I didn’t want to be that chatty person on the phone and I was very nervous. I really want this job. So all this waiting? If I weren’t so damaged, I’d just go about my day and that’s what I’m going to try and do tomorrow. Apply for every fucking job even if I’m not qualified anymore. What else can I do?! All the jobs that I’m qualified for are GONE and DONE and I even applied three times for the same shit because they were reposted. Waiting game again. I’ll worry for 2 weeks? Then I’ll research and google to see what’s up. I just hope she was able to see my email, respond back, and that would be nice but it’s hopeful think.
I’m really irritable right now. That’s not good. I can’t go to bed feeling like this. Your brain needs relaxation before going to bed. I just want to lay on water and let Dash Berlin take me.
Today was my phone interview. It was long and fast. My gut feeling was I think I’m in and now, I’m starting to worry because she said she will call me and let me know. There was no appointment date and there was no date as to when exactly she will call. She said either this week or next week, then the following week is holiday season. I guess I will give them a call 2 weeks from now to see if she still remembers me. Closing the phone interview was a little awkward, I wanted to say more, but I didn’t want to take up too much of her time and I just hope that I answered everything, covered everything even though I wanted to say thank you and I look forward to receiving your call to set up an appointment date. I forgot to do that. My mind was not in its right place, but it had the best intention you know? It’s because I don’t want to move there but I wanted to do my best so I was shortly distracted but snapped out of it and answered the questions as properly as possible.
She asked me some questions that I couldn’t relate to but I would try and give her answers. She asked were there any policies that I didn’t like and how did I go on about it. I honestly didn’t have a situation like that because I agreed to everything they mentioned like showering and putting deodorant on. She laughed, so I think that’s a good sign. There were some confidential questions that needed answering and I wasn’t hesitant to do any of that as it was part of the job. I really wanted to say more. I feel like I could have done better, but I know it’s done. I feel like I’m on a high… I feel like I’m on a high… You and I! How do I make this obsession stop? Do you see? What’s worse, touching things a number of times or having intangible words swirling up your mind’s asshole fucking you over and over and over again? This is ridiculous. I guess that’s the plan.
That’s the plan. Let go. The phone interview is done. She didn’t give a date. You said your thank you email saying you’re looking forward to hearing from her soon and believe that this job fits like a glove for you. That’s all I can do. The rest is out of my control. All I can do is pray and if it’s meant to be then it’s meant to be, but to be honest with you, from one human being to another, I truly believe this job is PERFECT for me. When the vice president of my former employer said, “You’re better than sitting behind that desk. You’ll find a better job than here.” I didn’t believe him because I really loved my job and the people there. And then I come across a rare opportunity as this one where it was completely random on craigslist and at first, I didn’t want it and now I want it. So… from one human to another, this is what I want. I want this job. I want it so bad because it’s PERFECT AND A BETTER JOB. I would rather be poor and happy than be rich and miserable. Okay… I’m letting go now. I don’t expect back from them anymore even though she asked how to get me there and I said, “Oh I’ll drive. I’ll make the drive.” The gut feeling that is negative is because she didn’t get me a date and she said “We’ll go from there.” So I don’t know if she’s giving me false hope or not. But, *sigh*, I fucked it up. Time to let go. I have to make another decision. Yesterday, it was about my relationships. Today… letting go of a perfect opportunity that may or may not call me for a face-to-face meeting. I’ll tell you what though, it’s their loss if they don’t because I am a very hard worker and I do my job diligently, and quietly. It’s on my resume, it’s on my cover letter, it’s in my personal email and I have a prestigious reference letter. I’ve done all that I could. Now, how do I stop fucking my mind’s asshole with this shit. Just forget it. Keep looking for jobs. I’ll be looking at Portland. I’ll just keep going. But I won’t think about them anymore just like I did with my former employer. They’re finally gone out of my dreams.
Oh my favorite song is on. It’s also my husband’s song. It was really sad when he mentioned to me that this song was for me. You gone so long. Oh, and I waited. This is where I’m hurting. I’m torn! And I am not going to make a decision. I’m just going to let everything pan out by itself. I’m stressing too much over things I have no control over, so why bother? I’m not looking for happiness anymore. What will make me happy is if he’s happy and he’s happy. All I am looking for is peace… a peace of mind. An unquiet mind.
It’s almost ten… so far away… you gone so long…. Ohhh and iii, waited. Till that day… I take you home… know that I waited…. So fucking sad. Can you tell by the tone of my blog I’m so bitter? I’m grieving and I’m in the anger stage, I GUESS. Whatever. I’m going to just talk and pray… and then tomorrow, eat breakfast, I still gotta’ wash the dishes but damn it’s so cold in the kitchen that I can’t. my husband. My husband. My headset. My husband. This music. My husband. I know what’s going on, but I can’t do anything about it. We will see what happens. We’ll take it from there. I’ll never cry again… when you come home to me… I know these words. They are my husband’s…
Tomorrow, I eat breakfast, take my medication AND supplements, drink orange juice, figure out this laundry dealio. Shower. Take my laptop to the living room of our apartment complex for some Christmas spirit since there’s a nice couch, cable, Christmas tree. It’s like a sample of what an apartment would look like over here.–You know what? If I don’t get this job… I get to stay here and move in with my boyfriend. So there. Win-win. I’m going to apply for ten random bull shit jobs, contact ten people that responded on facebook about job opportunities even though I really want what I have going on for myself. FUCK. Get over it, kel. The phone interview is over. It’s OVER.
THE PHONE INTERVIEW IS OVER.
THE PHONE INTERVIEW IS FUCKING OVER.
GET OVER IT.
…move on. Block it out and move on. You’re not here for happiness anymore. You just want a peace of mind. I don’t want happiness anymore. I don’t want to look for what makes me happy because fuck, I’m 32! What now?! If I’m not happy now, what’s the fucking point? I just want a peace of mind.
I just want a peace of mind, ok?
I’ll try not to cry tonight, unlike other nights that I’ve been sobbing. I hope my neighbors downstairs can’t hear that. I just got home from my boyfriend’s house. I had dinner there and we watched tv. It usually starts with me being there a little earlier than when he gets home from work and then we eat dinner. His sister came downstairs and gave me a cookie that she baked. She thinks it’s too sour. It’s shortbread dipped in chocolate. It was good. I reassured her that it was good because if it was too sweet, it would overpower the chocolate layer. We talked about her baking and then she sat next to me, stared at the unlit Christmas tree which I used to light all the time when I lived there and she said, “So which one is mine.” I told her “both of them”. “Both of them? But I only asked Mario to get me a game. What’s in the odder one.” I wrapped them in a box and taped them down so if you shake the box, you won’t hear shit. There’s no way of guessing. I threw in a penny too so that’s all you’ll hear but she’s right that one of them was a game for her 3ds. She tried to pry it out of me and I told her “if it’s light, then it’s most probably a scarf.” Which, it’s not. Her mom arrived back from work and I said “Ciao” and Sonia said, “Hi ma. Love you ma.” I wish I had a normal family like them. Italian and crazy with a lot of yelling but it’s all part of their lifestyle. Mine had yelling, throwing of remote controls, alcohol, my dad slipping in the tub, mom yelling at me, and all of this was normal except they damaged me. Now, look at me. I’m picking up all the pieces from all the things in my past. I’m 32, supposed to be an adult and yet I am never at the present moment. My mom called me “absent minded” as a kid. But, I was really smart or am, when I was a kid, I knew that I had to study harder than most kids and I looked at things differently compared to others. I have a high emotional quotient which isn’t that “cool” when you’re in high school but that’s another story. Her mom went to her computer desk, turned on the television like she does every night when she comes home from work and chills for a little while since she just got home. I just peek to see what she’s doing in the other living room. I went in the living room and greeted her, sat down in the couch and just started preparing myself for my phone interview tomorrow. Yeah, I have a job interview, or rather, a phone interview tomorrow. I don’t really know what to expect. I’ve had a phone interview before, but I was different back then. I passed their screening and got the face-to-face interview in a five-star hotel but I didn’t take it. I told them I got a job before them. You always have to be honest and close anything on a good note. I became a research analyst for a fortune 500 company. That’s long gone now but I am grateful for what I can take with me. You know… I’m grieving. It’s because I’m unemployed, and isn’t it just fabulous- just fabulous it’s during the Christmas season? Yeah, that’s truly awesome. *sigh* Yes, I am still split between the two and not a day goes by now that I don’t think of my husband. At least he has a girlfriend to keep him company. I don’t know what the future holds anymore and I think I’ve realized something today. One, I’m unhappy. Two, I’m confused and worried. Three… I’ll never be in the present time. I don’t mean to do it, hence, I need to see professionals for this shit. If I were in the present moment, I wouldn’t be so sad and confused all the time. Every night would be a regular night and things would be okay and if they don’t turn out okay, they still eventually pan out okay. Thankfully, there’s a voice inside me, my own voice that talks to me and tells me, “It’s going to be okay. Trust me.” What adds more to the confusion is that I believe in God and I believe in my church. Sure I don’t go… *shakes head* but that’s what leads to my confusion because I prayed to God, then one night, I was stuck in the parking lot in my apartment complex because there were 2 idiots that wouldn’t back up behind me since they were unloading things. I waited patiently and finally I got out because they were talking and laughing and I’m thinking, “Can’t you see I’m waiting to back out?” I should have honked, but I didn’t. They’re neighbors. You don’t wanna’ piss off people that have you seen car. You just never know what ignorant people are capable of. After they left, I finally found a parking spot and it was so hard to park because all the spots were taken. I was so far from my apartment. I took the short cut to walk home but tears were sliding down my cheeks and I started sobbing. I don’t want to cry right now. No… but I heard the voice in me, the one that talks to me, which is most probably myself talking to myself and said, “Don’t worry Kel, I’ll get you out of here. I promise you that. I’ll get you out of here. Okay? I’ll get you out of here. I promise.” And I just continued to cry. And then God answered my prayer. And when I think about my testimonies of prayer, I think of my church and it only seems logical to return to my husband because we are part of this church and family. But right now, I can’t imagine being there because of the people in the extended family. They back stab, they make me uncomfortable and #1 thing: he still lives in his parents’ house. I don’t know how I’m going to ask or how I’m going to ask if or when he’s going to buy a house. If he had bought a house sooner, maybe I wouldn’t’ have left him. Life is hard without your other half. It’s hard to explain but sometimes I wish I was there, sometimes I wish I were somewhere else. I can’t say because remember, I don’t live in the present moment anymore. I don’t know if I can salvage my life, and I know this sounds so morbid, but I’ve realized today those things I’ve listed above are what I am. I hope it won’t be too late for me. I hope. I really hope. That’s why I’m back to writing again. Writing saved me before and so did reading. Maybe I should take a trip to the library everyday and read a book and then just leave it there. Who knows. I don’t live in the moment anyway, so I might as well space out there and get some exercise on. We’ll see. I’m wandering thoughts I’m rambling thoughts.
Soon my boyfriend arrived and gave me a kiss and gave his mom a kiss. He’s really sweet. I’m very in love with him. But don’t get me started with just the whole confusion of should I stay or should I go game. That’s what I mean. I carry this burden all the time. I love him and in love with him but I still have my past too. I don’t know how to let go… because secretly I want things to work out here and to work out there. I don’t know what that means, but that’s what will make me happy. I can’t leave my husband to die on his own. He said he’s damaged goods now and who would want him now. It was heart breaking to hear him say that. I want to be with him but his house? Then his family pops in my head again and I’m just like well fuck, I can’t deal with it. I just can’t. especially with what I did to him. Would you welcome a jerk who left their other half? Shit, I’d be pissed but then again, I’m really nice. I don’t judge. I’ll hurt for the person and then wonder why the person left. There’s a reason for everything. Kel, why did you leave your husband? … because I was manic. And now I’m not so I’m trying to balance everything and making sure everyone is happy. I’m willing to sacrifice my happiness just so both individuals that I deeply love and care for are happy. I’m going to cry again. Please don’t. So, we sat there for a few minutes watching tv, news, first arrest of someone arrested under the influence of marijuana. I don’t know why they had to mention that but the person who got hit was not walking on the pedestrian path. Then again, I just wouldn’t smoke then drive even if it’s supposed to make you more clear minded in driving. That’s another thing. I detest that my boyfriend smokes. I do. Vape it, eat it, lick it, spray it, lather it the fuck up but don’t fucking smoke that shit. Don’t get me started on my lifestyle. I was once a pothead too. I nearly got addicted but learned a big lesson this year. That’s another story all on its own. I guess this year wasn’t really shit because I found myself great professionals. So despite that I’m miserable living in this city, I at least have professionals that are great. That helps a lot and I am slowly stabilizing, but as Susan said, “Meds can only do so much.” She’s right. Now… I’ve come to realize, that I don’t think I’ll ever be happy. Even the vice president of my company told me, “What makes you happy. Find what makes you happy.” I miss them. But not all of them… I don’t know what makes me happy. I’m trying really hard but my illness is too strong to fight and the more I fight it, the worse it gets so now, I’ve decided that I’m going to do my best on this phone interview and give it my best shot. If I’m in, then I’m in. and if not, then I’m not. There’s bound to be something there for me. My husband and Marino both said that I think way into the future too much. Honestly what will make me happy is to have a sonicare toothbrush. Yes. It’s symbolic. My husband bought me one when we first met and it was the beginning of a comfortable living story. Comfort. Safety. Security. I’m now learning what it’s like to be independent, truly hitting rock bottom. I spoke to my friend today and he could tell that I’ve hit rock bottom but there is no other way but up. But… I’m still down here. And that scares me. I’m so confused.
The news continued throughout dinner. Beep, beep, beep is always the sound we hear when dinner is ready. Every night, same thing. There’s something comforting of it. There were sweet fried fries, some steak slices, and my favorite salad that his mom tosses. A little bit of everything. His mom makes it special. When I first moved here, I wasn’t used to their dinner style but I now understand it now. I have no money, I have no food… I understand now. But as I’ve always told a bum in my head, when I picture a bum, I would tell them, to not give up, and keep looking for jobs- any job for that matter and I guess that’s what I’m doing. I have to keep going but to be honest with you, I’m at that point where I’m feeling hopeless and discouraged. It’s really hard. It is. Call me a baby. It is hard. So tonight, I’m looking forward to sleep and praying to God and telling Him my worries, my woes, and my sorrows. don’t cry… please. After dinner, my boyfriend and I sat down on the couch. Well, during dinner we talked about this coworker of his that he hates so much because she’s so spoiled. She got into a fight with a prostitute and a pimp when she was in California with her fiancé. My boyfriend really wants her out of the company and I keep telling him that’s not going to happen as her fiancé is the owner of their company. I used to have her life. I was young like her, skinny like her, but I wasn’t an alcoholic, but I did have a fiancé/husband that took care of me and it was the safest feeling ever, but at the same time, I was living with the stress of living under the roof of his parents. I don’t know how they are now because I was fucked up in the head. If I were to go back, would it be the same or different? I like thinking of my future with my boyfriend, but then again, I also think of the happiness of my husband. And what about me? Eat or be eaten… Then, after dinner we sat on the couch in his mom’s living room and watched Tosh.O with catfish as our commercial filler. Typical. Laugh here and there about photos or videos and then see a couple flourish on catfish for the first time. She found out that the person she was in love with was a female and not a male, but she didn’t care. She still loves “him” for who “he” is. First episode where it worked out. Because she said she doesn’t care about the outer appearance. That is sweet… at least I can still connect with the tv and be in the moment. I laughed a lot this evening. At least I did that, right? I laughed a lot coz Conan is funny. The guests were not, but he was as always funny. Then, … then comes the dreaded part of is-it-time-for-me-to-go-time and it’s when it’s the second commercial into Conan that I get up and go. I live in a gated community and the gates close at 9pm. There’s a code, but it doesn’t matter. I still have to get home early so I can do my ritual and get to bed early. I still have to take care of my sleep. rest is important for me, or for this body or for my brain. I used to NOT sleep and still get a lot of shit done, but I’m not in my twenties anymore. It’s a bitch to write that down. When I first moved here, I still acted like I was in my twenties but now reality is finally sinking in especially since I’m on the right healthy path. If I didn’t move here, I would still be manic and God knows what else I would have done to my poor husband.
So in conclusion, I’ll never be happy. I hope it’s not too late for me. Why am I not going to be happy? Because I can’t make up my fucking mind. I worry about the future and what’s next. I hate the uncertainty of the future and my obsessive compulsiveness thrives on this shit. I can work on it now, but I’m in a mess and doing my best to just get by. My unemployment isn’t covering everything so this phone interview tomorrow is very important. I just hope that they me well so I can afford to live in the city and be close to work. That would be ideal. Every time I feel down and think that work is a bitch, from now on, I’ll think of Kinky Kuya. I keep forgetting that I should think about him. He’s this guy in a 3rd world country that commutes 2 jeeps, and a tricycle just so he can go to work at a fast food joint. Then he goes home, with his long commute and just chills in his tshirt and shorts at home. And he is content. And here I am, the land of the free, and my mind is FUCKED UP and I can’t … and I try to be happy.
What will make me happy? Security of the future.
So for now,
Though we’re apart,
Though I’m here and you’re there,
Let’s just go with the flow.
Even though I have futures with him or him,
Lets just go with the flow as I don’t have any control of the future.
I just gotta’ choose to give up and stop thinking of the future.
But when my brain is empty, it doesn’t know what else to do.
I have no control over the future. So I now choose to live today. I don’t know about my happiness anymore. But the only thing I should be worrying about right now is scoring a job. I asked for a Christmas gift…. – a job.
And now, I’m home in my comfortable bedroom in my apartment. There are some good things I have going on in this shitty city. I have my apartment which I can’t afford anymore, I have a car, I have professionals.. getting to the point about my room, it’s the only safe place I have as I have my jazzy Holiday songs playing, my lamps and my bed. And knowing that I have someone to talk to while I’m laying in bed alone. That’s another thing. I’m all alone now. I may have a boyfriend or a husband as a friend, but at the end of the day? I’m all alone. And I’m lonely. So when I cry at night? It’s because I’m lonely and don’t know what to do with my life. I don’t want to survive. I want to thrive.
I’m home now. And I got a text from my boyfriend saying to not worry about “us”. Don’t ask me about this confusion. I give up. I don’t want to think about the future anymore. If I do, I’ll just remind myself that I give up. What will be will be. Whatever lands me, wherever it lands me. I have a lot of what if’s and if they’re still there, then there’s a reason for it and I’ll just go with that and let everything else unravel because honestly, I don’t know if I can do those paperworks. The church binds me. Even if I don’t go… the church binds me. and then there’s another half of me, that sees a future with my boyfriend. So, the only thing that I can truly control is now. Typing. Brushing my teeth. These things I can control but the future with these boys, I have no control over and I’m not even going to try because in the end, I’m only … making it worse. I just have to keep self-talking myself. I don’t know where the positive talk comes from, but it’s strong and safe…
It’s 10:00pm now. I have a little side smirk on my face and “God Rest Ye Gentlemen” jazzy version fades away as the next one is playing soon. I guess I should go now. But I just want you to know, that even though I give up thinking about these two and my future… it continues on. It’s not me. It’s my brain. So next time I see Susan, I’ll tell her that I’m absent minded and always worrying about the future. Because, I’m just not here. Reality is here, and since I’m not here… I don’t know what the fuck is happening. I’m just going through the motion. There’s so much I miss about my husband… so much. But like I said… I can’t do anything about it now. Is it. Now.
… I’ll be waiting till the sky falls down.
I can’t stop thinking. Right now, I’m listening to Dash Berlin and visualizing the words. Everything reminds me of you. Without you, I can’t go on. I’ll be waiting till the sky falls down. I have obsessive compulsive disorder. It’s not really a big deal but it definitely is an interruption to my daily life. When they put me on Saphris, it got worse where my anxiety was extremely uncontrollable and my OCD was just like the people in those OCD shows where I would count or tap my lights to make sure they’re off or the heater was off before I leave my apartment. Then, right before I lock the door, I’ll give it a good tap. I’ll check the door, then I’ll tap it. Not one step later, I’ll go back into my apartment just to double check if I really did turn off the lights and the heater. The only way I could really tell was if I don’t think and have to be in the moment that I was turning off the lights. If I was on autopilot like a normal person would, it would be a breeze, there would be no anxiety of question of “Did I lock it? Just go. Shit, no, I gotta’ go back to check.” The more anxiety, the more intense the OCD. I’m now off Saphris but I do have my OCD from originally since I was a kid. But it’s not physical where you tap or recheck things. It’s when I fear the future and I keep thinking about it over and over again. Like right now, it’s incoming Christmas, but I’m already thinking of Spring. Four more months. I guess because I’m not happy right now. I don’t know. I can’t tell. But, there is not a day goes by that I’m thinking of my separation with my husband and the relationship I am now. It’s like black and white and then there’s me. I’ve been here for 2 years and I’m not seeing any progress. It’s more complicated than that. I just don’t want a divorce. Separation, okay, but I just have this side of me that thinks, “Shit, I can’t do that to him. I can’t just leave him like that to die all alone or not have kids,” but a part of me is also stuck here… in the suburbs. I can’t think straight because I want both of them. But that can’t happen, and I know it. So, I’m in this vicious cycle thinking how the hell do I deal with this. Should I keep waiting to see if my husband will buy a house? Should I just cut the cord and stay with my boyfriend? There’s also an age difference. My bf is 26. My husband is 36. My husband also has a girlfriend and she’s 26. So, I guess we are all in between. I’m always in between moments because I keep thinking of the future. It’s always been like that since my mom. This is my home. This is where I long to be… Smiling coz you’re next to me… Dash Berlin gives me goosebumps.
So, the OCD I’m talking about is honestly, what the fuck am I going to do? My bf says we’ll see what happens in April and see what the situation is. I still care very much for my husband but every time I think of all those family gatherings and how uncomfortable they make me feel—I just can’t. But there are so many good qualities about him. We never run out of things to talk about, we have the same common interests, we have the same goofy sense of humor, he’s very smart, he takes good care of me, he cares for me… as I, too care for him but there is no more chemistry or attraction for me. It doesn’t mean there’s no hope. I could go back and get marital counseling and that could be the last resort and if it doesn’t… well, at least we tried. I don’t know what my bf would think of this. He’ll most probably understand because he wants what’s best for me. But, at the end of the day, the question there lies, “Find what makes you happy.” I wish there was I this could all just unravel itself and that’s why I leave it to prayer. So what’s circling. They are. My bf talked about April. See what happens from there when my lease is up. But, even that’s up in the air for me, because I could abruptly move to Seattle but he doesn’t mind being in a long distance relationship. I know he cares and loves me a lot, but what am I doing? I haven’t really talked to my husband that much, and if I wanted to ask him a question, I want it to be in person. “Are you buying a house soon?” My aunt said to ask him if he’s moving out of his parents’ house and buying a house- then maybe there’s a chance and I’ll just have to sacrifice to be with my husband. But, I’m also sacrificing a lot for my bf. I can’t make up my mind, this drives me nuts, I point to myself and make circles with my index finger, “I’m fucking crazy.” “It’s driving me crazy.” I’m driving myself crazy. Fuck, man. I don’t think I can do that to my husband. But, I’m in love with someone else. I think future. I think happiness. When April comes around…
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?
Every night, I cry myself to sleep because I want my husband to be happy, and I want myself to be happy. What hurts even more is that he cares for me and he told me in October that he will always love me, in between tears. “I will always love you.” I want to be with him BUT, you already know. I just can’t stop thinking how his life is going to be the way I’m going. What will make me happy? I want to go back to Seattle but I want to be with my bf. That’s the God honest truth. But I’m hurting for my husband. And, I’m not happy. What makes me happy is Seattle and every time I pursue my dream, some fucking road block hits me because I get scared of the future. I’m making my dreams come true for myself and I’m scared… but I know I shouldn’t let roadblocks stop me from my dreams.
I hope all these tears that I cry every night will lead me to my happiness…
I’m one of those. I’m so lonely and sad. I don’t want to go through with the paperwork. I just can’t. Something is holding me back. As much as I love m, something is holding me back and I can’t stop obsessing about this shit. Paperwork or not, if I can’t find the underlying situation, then ugh. I want to keep him but not paperwork it. What the fuck is up with all this bullshit. It’s fucking Christmas for fuck’s sake… SHIT.
I’m a confused little fucker. I’m split between m and h. I think about it all the time and even though the comforting thoughts I have planted in my head do comfort me, sometimes I forget to remind myself and worry for both of their futures. At the end of it all, it’s my happiness, but I’m having a hard time deciding. I know it’s not the time to make a decision anyway, but my head keeps circling around it. And plus, they both have pros and cons. I can see myself going back to h, but I just can’t… I just can’t live my life with the family gatherings. Plus, they’ve talked so much shit about me behind my back, I wouldn’t know how to handle that and I don’t think it’s good for my mental health but it’s not the family I care about- it’s h. That’s what makes it so much harder to deal with this because he’s a perfect husband. I just wish he would reach out and comfort me and say maybe in the future or even now, tell me that he’ll buy a house, or that I don’t have to go to those family gatherings. Because the people there really make me feel uncomfortable. At the same time I’m stabilizing. So, he could receive bad news. Bad m, could also receive bad news. I don’t yet. I just want to make sure that I stabilize financially and mentally… and then we’ll see. I even wrote it down on my note pad to remind just in case my mind spins in circles again.
Yes, I did ask for outside opinions like my aunt as well as girlfriend of mine. The girlfriend told me to just be on my own for a while and start fresh by myself which I’m trying to do. Maybe being away from it all will help clear my mind and help me make a decision. That’s what she says and she also said, “It’s YOUR life.” True. I’m just scared to do that leap of faith. I have the dumbest reasons why I should or should not do what with what. My doc said, I have an option of having marital counseling, but will that really convince or get rid of the family gatherings? I went and revisited what it was like and just seeing their faces made me feel uncomfortable and makes me not, like totally not wanna’ go back to that family. As for m, he’s still young, but he knows what he wants. So there are three perspectives. My girlfriend, my doc about the marital counseling and the third would be my Aunt. She said to consult with h first if h’es going to buy a house or not and if he doesn’t, then she told me to move on. I keep all of this in mind and if you were to as me what I would do right now if I were to make a decision ? It would be NOTHING. It’s out of my control and I have faith that God will let everything fall into place. I just don’t like being pushed. It’s an if-then situation. I’m a dreamer but my fear is what makes me a professional logical decision maker, especially after all the fucks up that I’ve done from curling my hair to quitting my job. But, I believe there’s something miraculous happening, I just gotta’ keep praying.
Everything will fall into place. That’s what’s so nice about going with the flow… you don’t have to worry. Since you know it’s out of your control, you don’t even have to wait because it’s nonexistent. There’s no waiting game. Because everything will just fall into place.
I’ll tell you one thing, I love them both very much. Very much.
Find what makes you happy.
Are you happy with M? Were you happy with H?
Currently, no, I’m not happy with M. I see him only once an hour a day, and he doesn’t even want to live in with me. He wants to live on his own first before that happens and even when he lets me move in with him, it’s going to be with other people in there to share rent. So, no, I’m not happy with being his girlfriend.
Am I happy with my H? I’m happy to be with him, but no, I’m not happy with the extended family. But there are so many things that we have in common… and it makes me question M, is this it? He comes home for dinner and we just sit there and do jack shit or watch a movie. He’s still so young. He wants me to get a those paperwork right away but in the back of my mind, I’m still hoping that there could be something with H. If he would move out of his parents’ house, we could have salvaged our marriage.
But now, what will make me happy? Is to be in school. A full time student… in Seattle. So despite being with M or what I had with H, it’s Seattle that I want to be in and living there will make me happy. So, that’s why I keep saying I want to “save” so that I can move and go to school full time… even just saying that, there are a lot of positives with H compared to M. Frankly, I’m disappointed in M because he doesn’t want to budge. So, how can I move forward with him if he doesn’t even want to live in together. And do I even have to make my decision now? No. But what will make ME happy. Is to have my apartment in Seattle.
What will make you happy, Kel? Despite these relationships, what will make you happy, Kel? To be back in Seattle. I won’t have to be with H. I could if I wanted to, but too much pain with the extended family. I would go back no doubt if he had a house but nope. No house with him and no living in with this M. So what will make me happy?
I would not mind living with H, but his extended family really turns me off. They make me feel so uncomfortable. So, I don’t have to live with him. I’ll just live by myself in Seattle. We’ll see if M actually moves to Seattle anyway. I believe I did a lot and enough of sacrifices for him anyway. Moving here was a mistake. If I were to leave H, I shoulda’ left him but still have stayed in the same city.
I want to contact my H and tell him how I feel. M wants me to get a divorce. It would be better if I was divorced when we live in together. The reason why I don’t want to get a divorce is because 1) I’m scared it will be another mistake like my sudden resignation from my job 2) I’m scared that we might not even make it, hence having the live in situation. And 3) I don’t want to get booted out of my church. If you want to know what I really want, here’s what: I want to live in with M and maybe (I will think about it and talk to H) if I want to get a divorce or not depending if our living situation is working out because I’m scared it might not work out and then I’m already divorced, then not only did I lose my guarantee of church, I completely botched up something that maybe perhaps could have been. I don’t want to make another mistake. I know I have the freedom to get this divorce, but my gut is telling me no. For now, this is fine, but I can’t leave H dying alone… there are so many positive things that I see with him in comparison to M, but at the same time I love M and in love with him. I know this is complicated. It’s not easy on me, okay. I’ve fucked up a lot of things in my life in terms of decisions, that’s why I don’t want to get a divorce because what if I don’t work out with M? Then I lost my membership in the Church. I may not go now, but what if in the future, I want to go all the time? What if in the future I want to see if H and I work out if M and I never worked out? I just don’t… My gut is telling me no. Move in and figure out if we’re going to work out and if not… at least I have my church.
I wrote some notes in my iphone to help put my mind at ease as to what I should do right now and what to do in the future. For example, this blog is perfect. But my obsessive compulsive disorder makes me want to keep repeating the same thing over just to make sure… it’s not like M and I have a lot of things in common but I don’t like how hurtful it is to be with H and go to family gatherings. I sometimes want to contact him and tell him that there is still a chance for us but let me be when there are family gatherings because I feel uncomfortable. So, right now, I just don’t know what to do. I’ll just keep going and get a job and save up… whatever saving up even means since I can’t “save” here. There are too many choices. Lease is up in April 2013. Leave for Seattle? With little money because I didn’t “save”? Stay another year if I move in with him? If he doesn’t move in with me, then fuck, I’m out of here with or without him. But I want to have money before I get to Seattle.
So that’s my plan:
1) Move in and if we work out, then we’ll see.
2) If he doesn’t want to move in, then I want to go back to Seattle and work there.
3) If he doesn’t want to move in, then “save” to bring to Seattle and work there.
In general, I want to save so I can go to school full time.
…and I’m getting antsy. Moodwise, it was aight. There was a little bit of a good news. I got an email saying that they received my resume and it’s going to be forwarded to the hiring manager. This is what it said, Title: Word Processor-
Wanted to let you know that I have forwarded your resume to the hiring manager. We receive many applications, which I am sure is not a surprise. I am hoping for information about the manager’s desires next week.
All the best,
Her name here.
I airmailed it even though I emailed my application form. I think it’s a good way to end my Friday. I still think about other things that stress me out but at the end of the day, I just end it with, “I’m going back to Seattle”. The rest will follow or I just say “We’ll cross the bridge when we get there.” As you can see, I’m in a better mood. I get to see my boyfriend tomorrow night and he finally understands me the way I miss him. It took him 3 nights to miss me the way I always miss him and I made sure he knows and his response was, “I know. I know.” I’m shaking my head because I just don’t know about this relationship and my future. All I know is, you can’t depend on other people. I want to mention more things to him about the future but not at the risk of bringing up other stuff that will put us in a bind. I think I’m just thinking like this because it’s late at night (or so my bed time) and my thoughts start spewing in my head in circles as they always do. I’m still working on that or hoping S will have something to help me out. I can’t help but keep thinking about the future because that’s what’s gives me hope. Like what? Like, moving back to Seattle. Living there. Saving up there and I want to go back to school FULL TIME and complete that Graphic Design program. But for now, I have to make a living, save up, get my paperwork in order and then start that investment I’ve been thinking about. I just realized that even though I don’t have a job, I can already start my paperwork, but I’m going to need help. I have to research and find the right paperwork from H. That will keep me busy while I’m unemployed. I’ve been thinking of giving myself deadlines as well so that I have a comfort of going back. Like, generally ball-park, I’m thinking of doing my paperwork and giving it till the end of January. Is that realistic? I don’t know yet since I haven’t looked at the requirements. Money is going to play a part in this but I can get my paperwork ready as well. Right? Right. Then when that’s processed, I can start investing by Spring. That seems reasonable enough right? I just need to learn how to be patient. Things need to happen next year. This year was a mess. I’m on my way to recovery but it was definitely a trying year and I want to have a good year from here on out while I still get better. When I depend on myself, the future with my relationship doesn’t stress me out as much. We’ll just cross the bridge when we get there. I’m really antsy right now so I’m going to go ahead and get some stuff ready before bed time. Right now.
Here’s the issue. I don’t want to leave my religion. I can’t. So, that’s where we’re stuck in our relationship and I’m hoping he won’t leave me just because of that. It’s just a piece of paper right? But he too has his own religion issues where he wants to get married in his church and that can’t happen if I’m in my church. So it’s conflicting. I try to make up my mind but it can’t happen because it’s out of my control and only time and the future can tell. Even if I try to make up my mind now, it’s just not the right time. Plus, he smokes a lot and that really turns me down. Like, the lifestyle of smoking all the time. Our relationship is good right now but now I’m looking at my own future, that is if I end up alone… This whole paragraph that I just wrote is what comes around my head a lot especially since I’m unemployed and my head is filled with space. When there’s space in there, then I’m stuck with cycles which I try not to stress about and that’s why I watch a lot of Netflix to keep my mind occupied. Get a divorce? Remarry? Leave the church? Stay married? Stay in the church? I can’t make up my mind right now because it’s not the right time and that’s what bothers me a lot. I can’t do that right now. See, even now I keep repeating myself. I can’t help it. And that’s why I’m still working on myself with the help of S.
Apart from that, I just ate lunch, watched Netflix. I did apply for a data entry job. I don’t apply for everything, just things that I can relate to and I just hope, you know? I just hope and hope.
I want things to work out…
At the end of the day, what is good for my future.
I just want to be happy.
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