Praying For Peace

My mood is just shot today. It was a very long day. Thoughts of Il Volo, Jersey Shore last episode, parking spot, no rent money, Christmas with no money to buy for people, just spinning in my head and then we have come to this, sitting on my bed, in this apartment that I can’t afford and thinking what tomorrow is going to be like. I have Christmas music playing in the background. That’s the only thing is okay in my head. Thoughts of driving home here from my boyfriend stews in my head, ice on my windshield, parking correctly, locked doors, making sure it’s locked, locked, locked, locked, thinking who texted my boyfriend, door locked, ocd high because my anxiety is high. Thoughts of working for a hotel back in the city, minimum pay is out of the question, people I have to respond to on Facebook, the sad look on my face while typing, I wonder if my neighbors can hear me again tonight, am I going to end up crying, I have to pray tonight, then there are played voices in my head, thoughts of Rules of Engagement show in my head where she quit her job and now has a lease for a cookie shop she never bothered pushing through, the tv show, Jersey Shore in my head with their bling shoes, the money they have, I’ll never be rich, will I be living my life like this, unrealistic thoughts of the future, realistic present hurts, I don’t know my future, thoughts of just, thinking, thinking, thinking all the fucking time. Maybe I shouldn’t have cut out on the clonazepam during the day. I should email Susan about that. God Rest Ye plays right now. The heater is whirring. My window closed. It must look nice in here from the cold outside. My thoughts, my empty heads, my boyfriend that I miss, I’m so lonely but I pray. There’s just all these fucking thoughts and they’re all stirred up in a pot. I cant concentrate. Then, there’s tomorrow. I have to do my laundry. I worry about the bills. I have to pick up Costco. Then gas is almost out. I should go Christmas shopping with a $10.00 budget. I don’t know if I can afford but I should. I don’t know how I feel about the phone interview. Will I find a good job here and – boyfriend just texted me. I have this lorazepam hits me soon. Then there’s Miles. There are things that I need not stress about right now and while I’m typing, I’m thinking again about Jersey Shore, how they’re rich off their craziness. Then I think about church, think about the outside. I just emailed Susan asking if I can get my klonopin back during the day since I think way too much. Today was a very long day for me. I only applied for one data entry job and it was the same one but it said that it was only posted today. I was irritable, too. It definitely ruined the mood to even look for jobs. I just woke up late, too. I tried to sleep in, but there’s only so many hours your body wants to sleep and then you’ll just wake up tired. I stayed in bed, thinking to myself that I’ll get up once my body needs to do something which it did. I peed and got some breakfast for my growling stomach. *sigh* I checked to see if the person emailed back to my thank you email but I guess not. I don’t know if I get to go for the next round. Honestly, that was my first time having such a torrid phone interview. I recall during the call that my answers were good and safe but the doubts would sink in but now, I don’t care. It’s a win-win situation: If I get it, then I move to the beautiful emerald city and if not, well I can get a job here and stay with my boyfriend and finish the lease and hopefully move in with him and save up. Those are the things I think of, I’m always thinking ahead, the future when I need not be and there is no need for it as I am unemployed and need to be in the present time but because I am diagnosed with this illness, it’s so hard. Being independent, is a question rather than a statement and I am always torn between the two thoughts that I have. Should I leave or should I stay. Should I go or should I stay. I’m calming down thanks to my relaxant and it’s 9:11pm. I think of my car again, my parking is okay, I’m within the lines. The saxophone plays in the background. I think of the outside apartment, how much I can’t pay for this since I’ll be paying for my car payments. I still have no job. It’s the fucking holidays so nobody is really going to be seriously giving interviews and calling. I don’t know if I can get a job. I’m really scared. I’m all cried out. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m feeling a little better and calming down. Tomorrow is another day. It’s really cold now. At least I’m not in that miserable job and I have stopped dreaming about them and now have slowly obsessed about this interview, hoping to get another one and even if I did, we’re not guaranteed a spot for the company so now I have to *sigh* I have to deal with that for the next few days in order to let go… and keep looking for jobs. That’s all I can do. I hate fearing the unknown because I’m already thinking beyond and ahead. My boyfriend is coming over tomorrow night and is sleeping over but that doesn’t really cheer me up. There are things that I am thankful for and need reminding but to be cheery in these times are really hard. It’s truly hard. I’m 32 now. What am I doing obsessing about everything including other people’s successes? They earned it. They earned it. But they had parents to back them up growing up. I didn’t have that. So now, I’m on my own. My mom told e to just hang tight and she promises that in two years she’s going to help me out but that’s her money. Not mine. We were rich once, and my husband thinks that we’re still rich, but I don’t know anymore. It’s hard to think about home when I’m thinking about being unemployed. I’m feeling much better now than when I started writing this. The ocd has slowly stopped and I’m wondering what I’m going to do after this.

 

It was a quiet evening in my boyfriend’s house. He cooked dinner and being that he’s Italian, he made some pasta and we ate some mozzarella cheeseballs, fresh. I learned a word or two today, something a band of stupid but in Italian. We had Big Bang Theory in the background while eating and then we just sat for a little bit of house hunting international where they were in Italy. The people looking for houses were dumb and I was getting irritable so we changed it and found Jersey Shore and it was live. They weren’t really going crazy anymore but it’s most probably because they want to end it clean. How could you possibly dream for a white Christmas and be happy with that when there are people spending Christmas alone, no job, … I got nothing. I have God. I have prayer. … It’s only 9:18pm. Today has gone by very slow for me. I tried to do productive things but half assed everything. I used to be this. I used to be that. How do I get back to that? Go back to that? I’m not earning any money. What am I doing? What am I doing with my life and will I be able to afford anything? Susan said she was once in my place and she said that I’m still young. What does that even mean. I used to be a go-getter. I used to be independent. I still am, but I used to be “go big or go home” but Susan would say “You’re vulnerable right now because you don’t have structure because you have no job. If you had soe structure, your self-esteem would be up and you wouldn’t be thinking about these things.” And she’s most probably right. I was supposed to do my laundry today. I half assed it and just pulled out only the clothes that really need washing, the ones that I use a lot, my pajamas. I’m trying to keep the bills as low as possible. What the fuck am I doing with my life? I’m so desperate. I’m feeling better from the relaxant. If I could smoke pot, I would but that’s just going to get in the way. I’ll just smoke, eat, smoke, eat.. sure the worries will be gone, FOR A WHILE, but until this shit gets resolved, nothing will put me at ease. I’m thinking of Petsmart when we bought my pup’s food. They were nice there and it reminded me of the city. But I’m in the shitburbs…

 

Tonight, I lay in bed. Tonight, I space out to shows on Netflix. Tonight, I pray. I pray for a better tomorrow, pray for comfort, strength, hope, faith, and love. Today has been a very long day and if I could sleep now, I would but I can’t because I slept in. Jersey Shore still in the back of my mind. Christmas music playing. Going to watch tv soon. Xbox outside. Cold room. Heater on in here. If I have nothing in my head, my brain looks for something to obsess about. I don’t like it. I just want to get through this. It’s too late for my dreams… remember, I gave up running for happiness. I am now just looking… for a peace of mind. I pray for peace.

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