I spoke with Susan today. I took a walk this time since she said that walking will help the anxiety. If you ask me what I’m feeling right now, I’m feeling “eh”. She did commend me that I’m now thinking realistically and making sure that my energy is focused on me instead of depending on others’ needs and wants. You see, I have this problem of staying in the moment because my brain gets bored because it wants and looks for something to stress about. So, now I’m training it not to do that. She concluded everything well. I’m now waiting for a phone call from the phone interview. If CP doesn’t call me soon, I’ll follow up on the 7th of January. You know what I want to do right now? I want to walk but with this music in my head or go for a fun or something. I feel like taking a drive and blasting music, just driving everywhere and getting lost but I have to save up and make sure I can pay for my rent. I’m going to have to make sure that I get that job and I’ll wow the interviewer. Susan said to do my research now, prepare because she said she would be wrapped up with this positive opportunity around her. So I asked, “Now what?” Just research and look for jobs anyway. She says that if they’re a reputable company, then they will call and if not, then call for a follow up. That’s what I’m going to do but for now, I’m doing my best not to stress out so much and just to keep going. I wanted to work on some paperwork, work on other things but they’re irrelevant right now because I have to focus on getting a job and then focus on getting settled in. I’m not your typical independent person that can just do things without anxiety. You’re not like anyone. You have to take care of yourself and be healthy without stress and then only then you can follow through with the rest. With him, I’m so much in love with him. But there  are things that I don’t like, like his fucking smoking and the good news is he’s going to quit within five years. I know when we have arguments he wants to mention the divorce but if you’re not mentally ready, spiritually ready, and if there is a tiny doubt, then don’t do it because even if you do afterwards, it’s not going to resolve the situation in the present. So… I just give in to what he wants. You wanna’ smoke? Then go ahead. You think I’m being a good girlfriend but I’m just letting you do what you want and I’m moving to Seattle. I’m not giving up on this. There was this voice this one night I was crying on my way home and the voice said, “Kel, I promise you, I’ll get you out of here. I promise you that.” And a miracle happens where I see the perfect job that fits my job qualifications. Period. So for both of these two, if you don’t get a house, then I’m out. And with the other one, I’m just playing it by ear. I never thought of these things because I let go of those parties. I am just thinking of paying bills and making sure I have enough money to survive. I want to get back to Seattle and reconnect with my friends and be able to take care of myself. By sleeping, cooking healthy meals, taking my vitamins, taking care of my dog, keep going to work and just do this for a long while even if it means putting my dreams and other plans on hold. I’m willing to do this because I’ve realized and learned that I’m not you, I’m not like them and I have to crawl before I walk. Dash Berlin right now.

I’ve accepted it. And let go. There you go. Because there are better things to worry and fill my brain with- me.

I remember now… I am going to let them unfold. Que sera sera, what will be, will be.


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