I’ll try not to cry tonight, unlike other nights that I’ve been sobbing. I hope my neighbors downstairs can’t hear that. I just got home from my boyfriend’s house. I had dinner there and we watched tv. It usually starts with me being there a little earlier than when he gets home from work and then we eat dinner. His sister came downstairs and gave me a cookie that she baked. She thinks it’s too sour. It’s shortbread dipped in chocolate. It was good. I reassured her that it was good because if it was too sweet, it would overpower the chocolate layer. We talked about her baking and then she sat next to me, stared at the unlit Christmas tree which I used to light all the time when I lived there and she said, “So which one is mine.” I told her “both of them”. “Both of them? But I only asked Mario to get me a game. What’s in the odder one.” I wrapped them in a box and taped them down so if you shake the box, you won’t hear shit. There’s no way of guessing. I threw in a penny too so that’s all you’ll hear but she’s right that one of them was a game for her 3ds. She tried to pry it out of me and I told her “if it’s light, then it’s most probably a scarf.” Which, it’s not. Her mom arrived back from work and I said “Ciao” and Sonia said, “Hi ma. Love you ma.” I wish I had a normal family like them. Italian and crazy with a lot of yelling but it’s all part of their lifestyle. Mine had yelling, throwing of remote controls, alcohol, my dad slipping in the tub, mom yelling at me, and all of this was normal except they damaged me. Now, look at me. I’m picking up all the pieces from all the things in my past. I’m 32, supposed to be an adult and yet I am never at the present moment. My mom called me “absent minded” as a kid. But, I was really smart or am, when I was a kid, I knew that I had to study harder than most kids and I looked at things differently compared to others. I have a high emotional quotient which isn’t that “cool” when you’re in high school but that’s another story. Her mom went to her computer desk, turned on the television like she does every night when she comes home from work and chills for a little while since she just got home. I just peek to see what she’s doing in the other living room. I went in the living room and greeted her, sat down in the couch and just started preparing myself for my phone interview tomorrow. Yeah, I have a job interview, or rather, a phone interview tomorrow. I don’t really know what to expect. I’ve had a phone interview before, but I was different back then. I passed their screening and got the face-to-face interview in a five-star hotel but I didn’t take it. I told them I got a job before them. You always have to be honest and close anything on a good note. I became a research analyst for a fortune 500 company. That’s long gone now but I am grateful for what I can take with me. You know… I’m grieving. It’s because I’m unemployed, and isn’t it just fabulous- just fabulous it’s during the Christmas season? Yeah, that’s truly awesome. *sigh* Yes, I am still split between the two and not a day goes by now that I don’t think of my husband. At least he has a girlfriend to keep him company. I don’t know what the future holds anymore and I think I’ve realized something today. One, I’m unhappy. Two, I’m confused and worried. Three… I’ll never be in the present time. I don’t mean to do it, hence, I need to see professionals for this shit. If I were in the present moment, I wouldn’t be so sad and confused all the time. Every night would be a regular night and things would be okay and if they don’t turn out okay, they still eventually pan out okay. Thankfully, there’s a voice inside me, my own voice that talks to me and tells me, “It’s going to be okay. Trust me.” What adds more to the confusion is that I believe in God and I believe in my church. Sure I don’t go… *shakes head* but that’s what leads to my confusion because I prayed to God, then one night, I was stuck in the parking lot in my apartment complex because there were 2 idiots that wouldn’t back up behind me since they were unloading things. I waited patiently and finally I got out because they were talking and laughing and I’m thinking, “Can’t you see I’m waiting to back out?” I should have honked, but I didn’t. They’re neighbors. You don’t wanna’ piss off people that have you seen car. You just never know what ignorant people are capable of. After they left, I finally found a parking spot and it was so hard to park because all the spots were taken. I was so far from my apartment. I took the short cut to walk home but tears were sliding down my cheeks and I started sobbing. I don’t want to cry right now. No… but I heard the voice in me, the one that talks to me, which is most probably myself talking to myself and said, “Don’t worry Kel, I’ll get you out of here. I promise you that. I’ll get you out of here. Okay? I’ll get you out of here. I promise.” And I just continued to cry. And then God answered my prayer. And when I think about my testimonies of prayer, I think of my church and it only seems logical to return to my husband because we are part of this church and family. But right now, I can’t imagine being there because of the people in the extended family. They back stab, they make me uncomfortable and #1 thing: he still lives in his parents’ house. I don’t know how I’m going to ask or how I’m going to ask if or when he’s going to buy a house. If he had bought a house sooner, maybe I wouldn’t’ have left him. Life is hard without your other half. It’s hard to explain but sometimes I wish I was there, sometimes I wish I were somewhere else. I can’t say because remember, I don’t live in the present moment anymore. I don’t know if I can salvage my life, and I know this sounds so morbid, but I’ve realized today those things I’ve listed above are what I am. I hope it won’t be too late for me. I hope. I really hope. That’s why I’m back to writing again. Writing saved me before and so did reading. Maybe I should take a trip to the library everyday and read a book and then just leave it there. Who knows. I don’t live in the moment anyway, so I might as well space out there and get some exercise on. We’ll see. I’m wandering thoughts I’m rambling thoughts.
Soon my boyfriend arrived and gave me a kiss and gave his mom a kiss. He’s really sweet. I’m very in love with him. But don’t get me started with just the whole confusion of should I stay or should I go game. That’s what I mean. I carry this burden all the time. I love him and in love with him but I still have my past too. I don’t know how to let go… because secretly I want things to work out here and to work out there. I don’t know what that means, but that’s what will make me happy. I can’t leave my husband to die on his own. He said he’s damaged goods now and who would want him now. It was heart breaking to hear him say that. I want to be with him but his house? Then his family pops in my head again and I’m just like well fuck, I can’t deal with it. I just can’t. especially with what I did to him. Would you welcome a jerk who left their other half? Shit, I’d be pissed but then again, I’m really nice. I don’t judge. I’ll hurt for the person and then wonder why the person left. There’s a reason for everything. Kel, why did you leave your husband? … because I was manic. And now I’m not so I’m trying to balance everything and making sure everyone is happy. I’m willing to sacrifice my happiness just so both individuals that I deeply love and care for are happy. I’m going to cry again. Please don’t. So, we sat there for a few minutes watching tv, news, first arrest of someone arrested under the influence of marijuana. I don’t know why they had to mention that but the person who got hit was not walking on the pedestrian path. Then again, I just wouldn’t smoke then drive even if it’s supposed to make you more clear minded in driving. That’s another thing. I detest that my boyfriend smokes. I do. Vape it, eat it, lick it, spray it, lather it the fuck up but don’t fucking smoke that shit. Don’t get me started on my lifestyle. I was once a pothead too. I nearly got addicted but learned a big lesson this year. That’s another story all on its own. I guess this year wasn’t really shit because I found myself great professionals. So despite that I’m miserable living in this city, I at least have professionals that are great. That helps a lot and I am slowly stabilizing, but as Susan said, “Meds can only do so much.” She’s right. Now… I’ve come to realize, that I don’t think I’ll ever be happy. Even the vice president of my company told me, “What makes you happy. Find what makes you happy.” I miss them. But not all of them… I don’t know what makes me happy. I’m trying really hard but my illness is too strong to fight and the more I fight it, the worse it gets so now, I’ve decided that I’m going to do my best on this phone interview and give it my best shot. If I’m in, then I’m in. and if not, then I’m not. There’s bound to be something there for me. My husband and Marino both said that I think way into the future too much. Honestly what will make me happy is to have a sonicare toothbrush. Yes. It’s symbolic. My husband bought me one when we first met and it was the beginning of a comfortable living story. Comfort. Safety. Security. I’m now learning what it’s like to be independent, truly hitting rock bottom. I spoke to my friend today and he could tell that I’ve hit rock bottom but there is no other way but up. But… I’m still down here. And that scares me. I’m so confused.
The news continued throughout dinner. Beep, beep, beep is always the sound we hear when dinner is ready. Every night, same thing. There’s something comforting of it. There were sweet fried fries, some steak slices, and my favorite salad that his mom tosses. A little bit of everything. His mom makes it special. When I first moved here, I wasn’t used to their dinner style but I now understand it now. I have no money, I have no food… I understand now. But as I’ve always told a bum in my head, when I picture a bum, I would tell them, to not give up, and keep looking for jobs- any job for that matter and I guess that’s what I’m doing. I have to keep going but to be honest with you, I’m at that point where I’m feeling hopeless and discouraged. It’s really hard. It is. Call me a baby. It is hard. So tonight, I’m looking forward to sleep and praying to God and telling Him my worries, my woes, and my sorrows. don’t cry… please. After dinner, my boyfriend and I sat down on the couch. Well, during dinner we talked about this coworker of his that he hates so much because she’s so spoiled. She got into a fight with a prostitute and a pimp when she was in California with her fiancé. My boyfriend really wants her out of the company and I keep telling him that’s not going to happen as her fiancé is the owner of their company. I used to have her life. I was young like her, skinny like her, but I wasn’t an alcoholic, but I did have a fiancé/husband that took care of me and it was the safest feeling ever, but at the same time, I was living with the stress of living under the roof of his parents. I don’t know how they are now because I was fucked up in the head. If I were to go back, would it be the same or different? I like thinking of my future with my boyfriend, but then again, I also think of the happiness of my husband. And what about me? Eat or be eaten… Then, after dinner we sat on the couch in his mom’s living room and watched Tosh.O with catfish as our commercial filler. Typical. Laugh here and there about photos or videos and then see a couple flourish on catfish for the first time. She found out that the person she was in love with was a female and not a male, but she didn’t care. She still loves “him” for who “he” is. First episode where it worked out. Because she said she doesn’t care about the outer appearance. That is sweet… at least I can still connect with the tv and be in the moment. I laughed a lot this evening. At least I did that, right? I laughed a lot coz Conan is funny. The guests were not, but he was as always funny. Then, … then comes the dreaded part of is-it-time-for-me-to-go-time and it’s when it’s the second commercial into Conan that I get up and go. I live in a gated community and the gates close at 9pm. There’s a code, but it doesn’t matter. I still have to get home early so I can do my ritual and get to bed early. I still have to take care of my sleep. rest is important for me, or for this body or for my brain. I used to NOT sleep and still get a lot of shit done, but I’m not in my twenties anymore. It’s a bitch to write that down. When I first moved here, I still acted like I was in my twenties but now reality is finally sinking in especially since I’m on the right healthy path. If I didn’t move here, I would still be manic and God knows what else I would have done to my poor husband.
So in conclusion, I’ll never be happy. I hope it’s not too late for me. Why am I not going to be happy? Because I can’t make up my fucking mind. I worry about the future and what’s next. I hate the uncertainty of the future and my obsessive compulsiveness thrives on this shit. I can work on it now, but I’m in a mess and doing my best to just get by. My unemployment isn’t covering everything so this phone interview tomorrow is very important. I just hope that they me well so I can afford to live in the city and be close to work. That would be ideal. Every time I feel down and think that work is a bitch, from now on, I’ll think of Kinky Kuya. I keep forgetting that I should think about him. He’s this guy in a 3rd world country that commutes 2 jeeps, and a tricycle just so he can go to work at a fast food joint. Then he goes home, with his long commute and just chills in his tshirt and shorts at home. And he is content. And here I am, the land of the free, and my mind is FUCKED UP and I can’t … and I try to be happy.
What will make me happy? Security of the future.
So for now,
Though we’re apart,
Though I’m here and you’re there,
Let’s just go with the flow.
Even though I have futures with him or him,
Lets just go with the flow as I don’t have any control of the future.
I just gotta’ choose to give up and stop thinking of the future.
But when my brain is empty, it doesn’t know what else to do.
I have no control over the future. So I now choose to live today. I don’t know about my happiness anymore. But the only thing I should be worrying about right now is scoring a job. I asked for a Christmas gift…. – a job.
And now, I’m home in my comfortable bedroom in my apartment. There are some good things I have going on in this shitty city. I have my apartment which I can’t afford anymore, I have a car, I have professionals.. getting to the point about my room, it’s the only safe place I have as I have my jazzy Holiday songs playing, my lamps and my bed. And knowing that I have someone to talk to while I’m laying in bed alone. That’s another thing. I’m all alone now. I may have a boyfriend or a husband as a friend, but at the end of the day? I’m all alone. And I’m lonely. So when I cry at night? It’s because I’m lonely and don’t know what to do with my life. I don’t want to survive. I want to thrive.
I’m home now. And I got a text from my boyfriend saying to not worry about “us”. Don’t ask me about this confusion. I give up. I don’t want to think about the future anymore. If I do, I’ll just remind myself that I give up. What will be will be. Whatever lands me, wherever it lands me. I have a lot of what if’s and if they’re still there, then there’s a reason for it and I’ll just go with that and let everything else unravel because honestly, I don’t know if I can do those paperworks. The church binds me. Even if I don’t go… the church binds me. and then there’s another half of me, that sees a future with my boyfriend. So, the only thing that I can truly control is now. Typing. Brushing my teeth. These things I can control but the future with these boys, I have no control over and I’m not even going to try because in the end, I’m only … making it worse. I just have to keep self-talking myself. I don’t know where the positive talk comes from, but it’s strong and safe…
It’s 10:00pm now. I have a little side smirk on my face and “God Rest Ye Gentlemen” jazzy version fades away as the next one is playing soon. I guess I should go now. But I just want you to know, that even though I give up thinking about these two and my future… it continues on. It’s not me. It’s my brain. So next time I see Susan, I’ll tell her that I’m absent minded and always worrying about the future. Because, I’m just not here. Reality is here, and since I’m not here… I don’t know what the fuck is happening. I’m just going through the motion. There’s so much I miss about my husband… so much. But like I said… I can’t do anything about it now. Is it. Now.