Dash Berlin Gives Me Goosebumps

… I’ll be waiting till the sky falls down.

I can’t stop thinking. Right now, I’m listening to Dash Berlin and visualizing the words. Everything reminds me of you. Without you, I can’t go on. I’ll be waiting till the sky falls down. I have obsessive compulsive disorder. It’s not really a big deal but it definitely is an interruption to my daily life. When they put me on Saphris, it got worse where my anxiety was extremely uncontrollable and my OCD was just like the people in those OCD shows where I would count or tap my lights to make sure they’re off or the heater was off before I leave my apartment. Then, right before I lock the door, I’ll give it a good tap. I’ll check the door, then I’ll tap it. Not one step later, I’ll go back into my apartment just to double check if I really did turn off the lights and the heater. The only way I could really tell was if I don’t think and have to be in the moment that I was turning off the lights. If I was on autopilot like a normal person would, it would be a breeze, there would be no anxiety of question of “Did I lock it? Just go. Shit, no, I gotta’ go back to check.” The more anxiety, the more intense the OCD. I’m now off Saphris but I do have my OCD from originally since I was a kid. But it’s not physical where you tap or recheck things. It’s when I fear the future and I keep thinking about it over and over again. Like right now, it’s incoming Christmas, but I’m already thinking of Spring. Four more months. I guess because I’m not happy right now. I don’t know. I can’t tell. But, there is not a day goes by that I’m thinking of my separation with my husband and the relationship I am now. It’s like black and white and then there’s me. I’ve been here for 2 years and I’m not seeing any progress. It’s more complicated than that. I just don’t want a divorce. Separation, okay, but I just have this side of me that thinks, “Shit, I can’t do that to him. I can’t just leave him like that to die all alone or not have kids,” but a part of me is also stuck here… in the suburbs. I can’t think straight because I want both of them. But that can’t happen, and I know it. So, I’m in this vicious cycle thinking how the hell do I deal with this. Should I keep waiting to see if my husband will buy a house? Should I just cut the cord and stay with my boyfriend? There’s also an age difference. My bf is 26. My husband is 36. My husband also has a girlfriend and she’s 26. So, I guess we are all in between. I’m always in between moments because I keep thinking of the future. It’s always been like that since my mom. This is my home. This is where I long to be… Smiling coz you’re next to me… Dash Berlin gives me goosebumps.

So, the OCD I’m talking about is honestly, what the fuck am I going to do? My bf says we’ll see what happens in April and see what the situation is. I still care very much for my husband but every time I think of all those family gatherings and how uncomfortable they make me feel—I just can’t. But there are so many good qualities about him. We never run out of things to talk about, we have the same common interests, we have the same goofy sense of humor, he’s very smart, he takes good care of me, he cares for me… as I, too care for him but there is no more chemistry or attraction for me. It doesn’t mean there’s no hope. I could go back and get marital counseling and that could be the last resort and if it doesn’t… well, at least we tried. I don’t know what my bf would think of this. He’ll most probably understand because he wants what’s best for me. But, at the end of the day, the question there lies, “Find what makes you happy.” I wish there was I this could all just unravel itself and that’s why I leave it to prayer. So what’s circling. They are. My bf talked about April. See what happens from there when my lease is up. But, even that’s up in the air for me, because I could abruptly move to Seattle but he doesn’t mind being in a long distance relationship. I know he cares and loves me a lot, but what am I doing? I haven’t really talked to my husband that much, and if I wanted to ask him a question, I want it to be in person. “Are you buying a house soon?” My aunt said to ask him if he’s moving out of his parents’ house and buying a house- then maybe there’s a chance and I’ll just have to sacrifice to be with my husband. But, I’m also sacrificing a lot for my bf. I can’t make up my mind, this drives me nuts, I point to myself and make circles with my index finger, “I’m fucking crazy.” “It’s driving me crazy.” I’m driving myself crazy. Fuck, man. I don’t think I can do that to my husband. But, I’m in love with someone else. I think future. I think happiness. When April comes around…

WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY? 

Every night, I cry myself to sleep because I want my husband to be happy, and I want myself to be happy. What hurts even more is that he cares for me and he told me in October that he will always love me, in between tears. “I will always love you.” I want to be with him BUT, you already know. I just can’t stop thinking how his life is going to be the way I’m going. What will make me happy? I want to go back to Seattle but I want to be with my bf. That’s the God honest truth. But I’m hurting for my husband. And, I’m not happy. What makes me happy is Seattle and every time I pursue my dream, some fucking road block hits me because I get scared of the future. I’m making my dreams come true for myself and I’m scared… but I know I shouldn’t let roadblocks stop me from my dreams.

I hope all these tears that I cry every night will lead me to my happiness…

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