Confused Little Fucker

I’m a confused little fucker. I’m split between m and h. I think about it all the time and even though the comforting thoughts I have planted in my head do comfort me, sometimes I forget to remind myself and worry for both of their futures. At the end of it all, it’s my happiness, but I’m having a hard time deciding. I know it’s not the time to make a decision anyway, but my head keeps circling around it. And plus, they both have pros and cons. I can see myself going back to h, but I just can’t… I just can’t live my life with the family gatherings. Plus, they’ve talked so much shit about me behind my back, I wouldn’t know how to handle that and I don’t think it’s good for my mental health but it’s not the family I care about- it’s h. That’s what makes it so much harder to deal with this because he’s a perfect husband. I just wish he would reach out and comfort me and say maybe in the future or even now, tell me that he’ll buy a house, or that I don’t have to go to those family gatherings. Because the people there really make me feel uncomfortable. At the same time I’m stabilizing. So, he could receive bad news. Bad m, could also receive bad news. I don’t yet. I just want to make sure that I stabilize financially and mentally… and then we’ll see. I even wrote it down on my note pad to remind just in case my mind spins in circles again.

Yes, I did ask for outside opinions like my aunt as well as girlfriend of mine. The girlfriend told me to just be on my own for a while and start fresh by myself which I’m trying to do. Maybe being away from it all will help clear my mind and help me make a decision. That’s what she says and she also said, “It’s YOUR life.” True. I’m just scared to do that leap of faith. I have the dumbest reasons why I should or should not do what with what. My doc said, I have an option of having marital counseling, but will that really convince or get rid of the family gatherings? I went and revisited what it was like and just seeing their faces made me feel uncomfortable and makes me not, like totally not wanna’ go back to that family. As for m, he’s still young, but he knows what he wants. So there are three perspectives. My girlfriend, my doc about the marital counseling and the third would be my Aunt. She said to consult with h first if h’es going to buy a house or not and if he doesn’t, then she told me to move on. I keep all of this in mind and if you were to as me what I would do right now if I were to make a decision ? It would be NOTHING. It’s out of my control and I have faith that God will let everything fall into place. I just don’t like being pushed. It’s an if-then situation. I’m a dreamer but my fear is what makes me a professional logical decision maker, especially after all the fucks up that I’ve done from curling my hair to quitting my job. But, I believe there’s something miraculous happening, I just gotta’ keep praying.

Everything will fall into place. That’s what’s so nice about going with the flow… you don’t have to worry. Since you know it’s out of your control, you don’t even have to wait because it’s nonexistent. There’s no waiting game. Because everything will just fall into place.

I’ll tell you one thing, I love them both very much. Very much.

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