My Fucking Brain

I want to contact my H and tell him how I feel. M wants me to get a divorce. It would be better if I was divorced when we live in together. The reason why I don’t want to get a divorce is because 1) I’m scared it will be another mistake like my sudden resignation from my job 2) I’m scared that we might not even make it, hence having the live in situation. And 3) I don’t want to get booted out of my church. If you want to know what I really want, here’s what: I want to live in with M and maybe (I will think about it and talk to H) if I want to get a divorce or not depending if our living situation is working out because I’m scared it might not work out and then I’m already divorced, then not only did I lose my guarantee of church, I completely botched up something that maybe perhaps could have been. I don’t want to make another mistake. I know I have the freedom to get this divorce, but my gut is telling me no. For now, this is fine, but I can’t leave H dying alone… there are so many positive things that I see with him in comparison to M, but at the same time I love M and in love with him. I know this is complicated. It’s not easy on me, okay. I’ve fucked up a lot of things in my life in terms of decisions, that’s why I don’t want to get a divorce because what if I don’t work out with M? Then I lost my membership in the Church. I may not go now, but what if in the future, I want to go all the time? What if in the future I want to see if H and I work out if M and I never worked out? I just don’t… My gut is telling me no. Move in and figure out if we’re going to work out and if not… at least I have my church. 

I wrote some notes in my iphone to help put my mind at ease as to what I should do right now and what to do in the future. For example, this blog is perfect. But my obsessive compulsive disorder makes me want to keep repeating the same thing over just to make sure… it’s not like M and I have a lot of things in common but I don’t like how hurtful it is to be with H and go to family gatherings. I sometimes want to contact him and tell him that there is still a chance for us but let me be when there are family gatherings because I feel uncomfortable. So, right now, I just don’t know what to do. I’ll just keep going and get a job and save up… whatever saving up even means since I can’t “save” here. There are too many choices. Lease is up in April 2013. Leave for Seattle? With little money because I didn’t “save”? Stay another year if I move in with him? If he doesn’t move in with me, then fuck, I’m out of here with or without him. But I want to have money before I get to Seattle.

So that’s my plan:

1) Move in and if we work out, then we’ll see.

2) If he doesn’t want to move in, then I want to go back to Seattle and work there.

3) If he doesn’t want to move in, then “save” to bring to Seattle and work there.

In general, I want to save so I can go to school full time.

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