Another Christmas Song

…and I’m getting antsy. Moodwise, it was aight. There was a little bit of a good news. I got an email saying that they received my resume and it’s going to be forwarded to the hiring manager. This is what it said, Title: Word Processor-

Hello,

Wanted to let you know that I have forwarded your resume to the hiring manager.  We receive many applications, which I am sure is not a surprise.  I am hoping for information about the manager’s desires next week.

All the best,

Her name here.

I airmailed it even though I emailed my application form. I think it’s a good way to end my Friday. I still think about other things that stress me out but at the end of the day, I just end it with, “I’m going back to Seattle”. The rest will follow or I just say “We’ll cross the bridge when we get there.” As you can see, I’m in a better mood. I get to see my boyfriend tomorrow night and he finally understands me the way I miss him. It took him 3 nights to miss me the way I always miss him and I made sure he knows and his response was, “I know. I know.” I’m shaking my head because I just don’t know about this relationship and my future. All I know is, you can’t depend on other people. I want to mention more things to him about the future but not at the risk of bringing up other stuff that will put us in a bind. I think I’m just thinking like this because it’s late at night (or so my bed time) and my thoughts start spewing in my head in circles as they always do. I’m still working on that or hoping S will have something to help me out. I can’t help but keep thinking about the future because that’s what’s gives me hope. Like what? Like, moving back to Seattle. Living there. Saving up there and I want to go back to school FULL TIME and complete that Graphic Design program. But for now, I have to make a living, save up, get my paperwork in order and then start that investment I’ve been thinking about. I just realized that even though I don’t have a job, I can already start my paperwork, but I’m going to need help. I have to research and find the right paperwork from H. That will keep me busy while I’m unemployed. I’ve been thinking of giving myself deadlines as well so that I have a comfort of going back. Like, generally ball-park, I’m thinking of doing my paperwork and giving it till the end of January. Is that realistic? I don’t know yet since I haven’t looked at the requirements. Money is going to play a part in this but I can get my paperwork ready as well. Right? Right. Then when that’s processed, I can start investing by Spring. That seems reasonable enough right? I just need to learn how to be patient. Things need to happen next year. This year was a mess. I’m on my way to recovery but it was definitely a trying year and I want to have a good year from here on out while I still get better. When I depend on myself, the future with my relationship doesn’t stress me out as much. We’ll just cross the bridge when we get there. I’m really antsy right now so I’m going to go ahead and get some stuff ready before bed time. Right now.

Here’s the issue. I don’t want to leave my religion. I can’t. So, that’s where we’re stuck in our relationship and I’m hoping he won’t leave me just because of that. It’s just a piece of paper right? But he too has his own religion issues where he wants to get married in his church and that can’t happen if I’m in my church. So it’s conflicting. I try to make up my mind but it can’t happen because it’s out of my control and only time and the future can tell. Even if I try to make up my mind now, it’s just not the right time. Plus, he smokes a lot and that really turns me down. Like, the lifestyle of smoking all the time. Our relationship is good right now but now I’m looking at my own future, that is if I end up alone… This whole paragraph that I just wrote is what comes around my head a lot especially since I’m unemployed and my head is filled with space. When there’s space in there, then I’m stuck with cycles which I try not to stress about and that’s why I watch a lot of Netflix to keep my mind occupied. Get a divorce? Remarry? Leave the church? Stay married? Stay in the church? I can’t make up my mind right now because it’s not the right time and that’s what bothers me a lot. I can’t do that right now. See, even now I keep repeating myself. I can’t help it. And that’s why I’m still working on myself with the help of S.

Apart from that, I just ate lunch, watched Netflix. I did apply for a data entry job. I don’t apply for everything, just things that I can relate to and I just hope, you know? I just hope and hope.

I want things to work out…

At the end of the day, what is good for my future.

I just want to be happy.

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